Cooking Club

Every month the moms group I belong to does a Cooking Club playdate. Second Tuesday of every month and somehow I'm never prepared. I'm either buying things the night before (if I'm lucky) but normally the day of. And then I fail. Like today when I dropped most of the cornbread I made on the floor. Six pieces survived. I signed up to bring a craft project for our monthly social on Friday. Still don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know why I volunteer to do these things, I've got to stop.

Today is CD15. I was starting to get worried cause I wasn't seeing any signs of ovulation but it's starting. Dare I believe that my body is going to be regular? Even if a couple of days late? We want to wait till GV is 18 months before TTC but what if I'm shooting myself in the foot? If it's clearly happening then should we be taking advantage of it? Are we dooming ourselves by choosing to wait? Right after we got married I had three perfect cycles and the whole time we were preventing and then when we chose to go ahead and TTC my cycles stopped. I don't want that to happen again.

A couple of friends who have boys GV's age have told me that they're getting ready to try again (waiting for the new year). One got pregnant easily while it took the other 8 months because her cycle count was off. The first month she adjusted for a longer cycle it worked. I almost feel like I have to try now because if I don't then I'll get upset when they get pregnant and I don't. And then I remember that I have GV and can I really feel lousy that I can't have a second child?

Also one of my BFFs from college called me to tell me she's pregnant. She's due in April. She told me before she even told her mom. She was one of the people we asked to write a recommendation for us for our homestudy. Then the Christmas I was pregnant with GV I told her all about my problems with getting pregnant.  That day she had just taken her first pregnancy test but she was pretty sure that she was going to have the same problems as me.  After over a year of not getting pregnant she just assumed that she was going to be one of those women that never got pregnant and stopped actively TTC. And now she's pregnant. I'm so excited for her. How is it that when an IFer tells you they're pregnant it's so much better?

One Year

I realized this morning when I was in mass that it was a year ago this weekend that I got my BFP. Well I got three BFPs because I tested on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It was such a surreal experience that weekend.  Remembering at mass was perfect time and place to thank God for the miracle that is my son. Sometimes I forget to take time in my day to thank Him. But I never fail to cry a happy tear that I have GV.  But especially at these times I remember all of you that are still waiting for your BFP. Please know that I'm still praying for you and wishing that you'll get your BFP.

Today GV giggled for the first time.  We were eating lunch at myParent's house and GV woke up from his nap. Wiki was holding him across the table from Kevin and I. We both started talking and smiling at him and while he was looking at Kevin he made a giggling noise.  We all started laughing but then something upset GV so we had to stop. I'll be waiting for next time.

A Garden View Weekend

Friday

Last night I didn't get a restful sleep. I kept waking up flipping between taking the test and not taking the test. I didn't know if I could stand seeing another BFN. Plus Kevin said that AF always arrived either the day I tested or the day I was going to test. But I needed to know, so eventually I decided to test.

Kevin stayed in bed when I got up. The dollar store test comes with a little dropper instead of being able to hold it midstream. I collected, I dropped 4 drops and then I waited. And waited and waited and then magically that beautiful 2nd line suddenly appeared.
I immediately burst into tears while thanking God. Then I was fraught with indecision about how to tell Kevin. I mean he knew what I was doing in the bathroom so it's not like I could have just pretended that I hadn't. So I took the test and walked calmly to his side of the bed. I turned on the lamp and showed it to him. Right after he looked at it, he looked at me and I practically shouted "It's positive!"

That whole morning we were floating around the house. We talked about babies and plans. I tell Kevin that I think I am 15dpo cause I think I ovulated on CD19. While we were in Egypt. He starts calling the baby GV. For Garden View - the hotel we stayed at in Egypt had two options: Pyramid view or Garden view. We were assigned the Garden View.Which as you can see was actually a view of a concrete slab, some gross "ponds", dirt and then a bustling major road. Anyhoo, it was an awesome morning.

I called Dr. Grrr as soon as I got to work and they eventually called me back around 8:30. Since it was Friday they're only open a half day so J2 wanted me to get my Beta/P4 blood draw as soon as possible and they would mark it STAT so that hopefully they'd get the results before they closed at noon. I went to the nearest lab and waited impatiently. Finally around 9am my name was called. I got to sit in the room for another 10 minutes and finally someone came in. But I had forgotten to bring my insurance card and so they didn't know if they could do anything. There was some consulting and finally they said they'd do it. I confirmed J2 had sent the order STAT and then went back to work. At 11:50 J2 called me to say that they still hadn't gotten my results but that she'd leave a note for Dr. G. Hopefully if he came into the office he would check for it and call me with the results.

I never got a call. I figured no news was good news right? If there had been any red flags, he would have called right away, right!?!

Saturday

The morning started like yesterday morning. Me racing into the bathroom to POAS. I told Kevin I needed to check that I was still pregnant. It came up positive again.Yay! I had a tournament this weekend so I had no time to sit around the house today. I was out of the house by 7:30 am and out pretty much all day.

Today are when fears of miscarriage, chemical pregnancies and ectopic pregnancies first appeared. The cramps/twinges/pressure have continued. I'm waivering back and forth on whether this pregnancy is "real". I thought it would be so easy once I saw that BFP. But it's not. I'm still worried and I'm still cautious. How did it work? We've done expensive injectibles, triggers and IUIs and have failed every time. How did Clomid, no trigger and normal se.x work when it didn't work last year. Was it the self-prescribed Baby Aspirin? Then I freak out about that. Should I have told Dr. Grrr about it?

Sunday

Another soccer game to coach. My team hasn't been doing too well. We've not scored a goal all weekend. We are missing our main offensive playmaker so that's most likely it. Not because I've been distracted by all my pregnancy thoughts.

I took another pregnancy test in the morning. Another BFP!Although I freak out about how it's not getting as dark as fast as it did the previous days. I get home around 11 am and I am starving! I'm starving all the time now. Also I've been peeing up a lake. And the boops have gotten tender. I'm not any sleepier than I usually am during a tournament weekend. I research what I can eat on the internet and settle for cheerios for lunch. Yeah, we're not prepared at all.

After my afternoon nap I have to pee again. When I wipe there's slightly pink EWCM on the TP. I freak. I think my heart stopped in my chest. Of course I wipe furiously a couple (or 10) more times with new TP and nothing else comes up. I start checking every half hour and when I'm doing the weekly grocery shopping it stays in the back of my mind. Kevin is up in DC climbing with friends so it's just me and the dogs at home freaking out. Okay, so just me freaking out.

Monday

Finally Monday! I planned to call Dr. Grrr as soon as the office opened at 8:30 but break down and leave a message at 7:59. J2 calls me at 8:33. All excited and congratulating me. I ask for the results and she says "Didn't Dr. Grrr call you?" I tell her no so she looks up the results. Beta was 768 and P4 20.3. She said those were great numbers, kinda high for 15dpo but good nonetheless. I ask if I should get a second beta done and she says that they usually don't do a second one. I tell her about my continued cramping. Then I tell her about the pink EWCM yesterday and she asks if I've had anything else since then. I tell her no. Dr. Grrr isn't in today but he usually calls after getting the beta results so he'll probably call me tomorrow. If he's concerned he'll ask me to come in then. Grrr. Oh and they don't do an u/s until 18 days past a BFP. What!?! That's not till the 27th! I made the appt, but I'm considering calling and asking for the Thursday/Friday before.

According to the "pregnancy starts with AF" theory I'm currently 5 weeks 1 day. I'm 4 weeks 4 days if I go by my CD19 ovulation theory. However since getting the beta results I'm wondering if I'm farther along than I first thought. Could I have possibly ovulated on CD 15/16? I soooooo hate not knowing. Isn't it funny the things that will bug you? I mean, we're only talking about four days, but it's really bugging me.

If I wait till the 27th I'll be 7 weeks 2 days at the u/s. If I can go the Friday before then I'll be 6 weeks 5 days. Either way, we should have a heartbeat and I hope then that I can breathe a little easier if there is one. Please GV have a heartbeat.