Mashup

I broke down today and called Dr. Grrr's office. After explaining the whole vanishing of symptoms to J2 she handed me off to J. I repeated what I said and then J told me that Dr. Grrr is in Atlanta today so that "if" he called, she would tell him what was up, but that she would deffo tell him tomorrow morning when he got in. Why the heck are you going to Atlanta when I'm freaking out here? Anyways nothing can be done till tomorrow it seems.

So I know I said yesterday that last week I decided to give my fear over to God. Yeah, that's a lot harder to do than I thought. It never has been before, but this time around it is. But I'm trying. And I do have some moments of relative peace, but unfortunately they never last. Perhaps missing mass these past two weeks (since I got my BFP) has been part of it.

Earlier today when I was actually doing work at work and not goo.gling "blighted ovum 6 weeks," "6 weeks no symptoms," or "blighted ovum when miscarriage" I had to ask co-worker C about something. Now C is pregnant. Somewhere in her 2nd trimester but we've not actually talked about the fact that she is pregnant. Anyways I walk over to her office and co-worker S is telling her about how his girlfriend is pregnant. Yes, it's unexpected but they're both really excited. Oh and they just found out about it on Saturday. Saturday people! So they think she's about four weeks along and he's telling people already. And you know what the sad part is? That I was jealous. I was jealous that he got to feel this giddy, happy expectant joy this early in the pregnancy. I want that. I want to share that with Kevin. But I know I'll never be that way.

Nausea can be a good thing

Even if it's slight. Because then there is something that means that I could still be pregnant. Late last week I had actually gotten better. On the way home from practice last Wednesday I told myself that my choices were simple. I could live in fear, mistrusting what my body and tests were telling me. Not believing that God would bless us with a pregnancy. Or I could take joy and comfort in what we have been given. Even if only given it for a short time, I could love GV and cherish her/him for as long as God has given her/him to us. So things got better.
And then Sunday all my pregnancy symptoms disappeared. No excessive peeing, no more sore boops, not even the twinges/cramping I'd had up until that point. My mind immediately turned to thoughts of a blighted ovum. Apparently they can cause early pregnancy symptoms and then all your symptoms just "disappear" because there's no embryo to continue them. And then last night I didn't wake up in the middle of the night needing to pee. A first since finding out I was pregnant.
So this morning has been all a panic. I considered calling Dr. Grrr and demanding an u/s or beta test. I was tempted to run by the dollar store or wa.lgreens to get an HPT. I was trying to figure out how to finagle my work schedule when suddenly I realized I was feeling a bit nauseous. Not to the point that I was going to get rid of my breakfast, but enough that my heart stopped racing and I could take a big breath. I've only felt nausea twice before...Thursday morning at work and Friday evening after dinner. I can't wait to ask my mom if she ever had morning sickness.
Kevin has come up with how to tell our parents we're pregnant. They all involve waiting till after next week's u/s. I've also convinced him that he needs to call SIL to give her the good news, not do it in a message, through Mum or an email. I'm also keeping this off faceb.ook, but my reasons are a whole 'nother post entirely.
A - sorry to cause distress with my adding and removing of PG tickers. I just can't find one I like yet and so I keep taking them off. I am still looking though, but I've put one up in the mean time.

Fear & Symptoms

Even if you had tried to warn me that the dread of AF before a BFP turns into FEAR of AF after a BFP I wouldn't have believed you. But it has. I think about it all the time. I question my body, my b/w results, my symptoms.
Oh, new symptom: I'm always cold. All the time, especially at night. Last night I had to pull out the flannel pajamas. This from a girl who normally only sleeps in underwear. Kevin will be sitting watching TV in a t-shirt and shorts and I'll have on a sweatshirt with a blanket. Weird.

I called J2 yesterday to try to get the u/s moved up and the most she would do was Monday. One day!?! Seriously, you're going to make me wait 17 days instead of 18? What help are you?
Today I spoke to Dr. Grrr to find out why I didn't get a second beta. He said that it would have been a waste of money. My beta/p4 results were very good so he doesn't see the need. What about peace of mind?

I've been tracking my weight for a while now and so far here are my results:

3w3d - 0/0
4w3d - +4/+4
5w3d - -1/+3I've read all the studies/reports about how I should only gain 10-15 lbs during this pregnancy because of my existing weight. I've already gained a fifth of that! Sheesh! However I think GV might have the metabolism (I hope!) of Kevin because I'm still hungry all the time! I can't believe how much I've been eating. But I'm trying to be smart about it. No more chips or cokes while at work. Kevin is making us fruit cups with dried apricots, prunes, raisins and craisins to snack on during the day. I'm eating cottage cheese, yogurt and drinking an extra glass of milk to get that extra calcium. I also gave up Feta! Arg! So even with all this extra food I lost a pound. I have been drinking A LOT more water too.

A couple of nights ago I had to get up at 5:00 am to pee. And again when I woke up at 6:30 am. Last night I woke up at 1 am needing to pee. Well I'm not sure if I woke up because I needed to pee or if it was because the blanket weight that is Les had taken most of the blankets from me. Regardless I still needed to pee. Kevin (the lightest sleeper in the world) is loving all these night time interruptions. I haven't had the heart to tell him that it's gonna get worse before it gets better.


Thanks to everyone for the congrats and well wishes. You all are the best!