Approved and Applied

First off, Les is doing well. Still no after effects of her run in with the Jeep. She's been to agility the past two evenings and other than having come back from a month long vacation, she's behaving like normal. Just as moody and anti-social at home like before so we're good.

Next, our homestudy has been APPROVED! We got the packet in the mail while we were on vacation. It took us 3 months for the whole process since it's dated 9/16/09 and we started on 6/17/09. Most of that wait was on the reference letters, but they were all really awesome letters so I guess it's okay that we waited.

During the first weekend in September, we actually had the chance to meet a couple (NewMom & NewDad) that had just brought their adopted son (J) home the month before. Like us, they did their homestudy with JFS. They waited a year and nothing had happened. Then they found out that JFS wasn't looking for them (which we knew from the first homestudy appt.) and so they started sending out their adoption profile to everyone they could think of (which NewDad doesn't recommend doing because now they don't know who has got them or where they are). When that didn't work, NewMom started researching national adoption agencies on the internet. NewMom and NewDad had met online through a matching service and figured if that was how they started their family maybe that would be how they could add to it. They filled out the paperwork, paid all the monies and 4 months later got THE CALL. A birth family in another state was interested in them. After a couple of phone calls the birth parents picked them and two weeks later had J.

We went over to their house to meet them and J. They were so cute! J was a little darling (yes I was offered the chance to hold J and I turned it down) and behaved like an angel, so we got to talk a lot about their adoption and adoption in general. They pretty much had visited the same agencies we had and just felt right with JFS, like us. NewMom got very specific about costs and time lines which was nice. They told us they were just as scared as we are of getting ripped off or taken advantage of, but that they believe God was with them every step of the way taking care of them. It was really great meeting them and I'm currently working on a crocheted puppy for J. I think the most beneficial aspect of our visit was that it's put Kevin at ease with the whole adoption thing. Even though he said before that he was okay with it, he still kept hesitating with every step we took towards adoption and away from TTC. But in talking with NewDad he was able to get all of his questions answered, even those he was afraid to ask.

Now we're moving forward! Kev and I have decided to apply with a national adoption agency in Florida. They were recommended by our SW and I got to talk to them back in the first week of September. We got a package of stuff before we left. We've poured over it and now feel ready to file an application. I filled it out and have sent it to Kevin to double check. Hopefully we'll get it finished this week along with our adoption profile book.

Busyness

Ack! How did an entire week go by without me posting? I need to get back in the habit of posting and commenting. Just as a warning, the next month or so's posts are going to be mainly soccer related. I tend to get a bit obsessive (at least that's what friends tell me) when I coach and with the break in TTC I don't really have anything else to write about.

Monday - Everything went great at practice. Except that I forgot my watch. I didn't forget it really, I just usually keep it in my car and then drove Kevin's car to practice. Wait! Crap, I did it again today. I think I need to buy another watch - one for each car. I don't normally wear a watch so I usually take it off first chance I get (in the car) and then don't usually remember about it till I'm on my way to a game/practice. So I leave it in the car. After practice I met briefly with the parents and got to meet my team manager. So far so good.

Tuesday - I use to play indoor at one place on Monday nights, but since I'm now practicing on Mondays, I had to switch to the other indoor place. They play on Tuesdays. This was the first time I was able to go and it turned out to be the last time they're doing Tuesday pick up games. Apparently not enough women are interested so they're trying to fold the girls into the co-ed league. Which is on Monday nights. But I did find out about an outdoor league that starts up next month. I might do that instead. Ooh, and I got to use my new toy - a Po.lar Hea.rt Ra.te Moni.tor (PHRM) - while playing.

Wednesday - Practice #2! It was stormy the whole drive (45 min. north of where I work!) up, but as I turned off the freeway, the storm let up. Turned into a real nice afternoon and a great practice. However I became confused when I was practicing and thought practice ended at 6:30 instead of 7. But because I'm me, I let the girls go at 6:45ish. Parents don't mind practice going 15 minutes late right? Even if it was actually 15 minutes early? I've warned most of them though that I very rarely end right at 6:30.

Thursday - I went to another game night. It was hosted by the same people as last time. We got to play a game called Last Word. It was awesome! It's like a mix of scattergories and something else but fun! You're shouting the whole time and sometimes you get caught up in arguing how an answer is not eligible and then someone else ends up with the point because you forgot to get the last word in.

Friday - I decided to play in the outdoor league but I had a few questions. Friday was the last day to register but the chick never called me back! I've also decided to actually start using my elliptical machine. I think Kevin and I are going to do a lot of walking on this cruise. When going through the excursions Kevin kept leaning towards the walking-tours-of-this-historical-city type of activities. I did a 45 minute workout and got to use my PHRM again. Also, Kevin and I have decided to do a kayak rolling class. But I can't register us till Monday!

Saturday - On Wednesday when I was finally cleaning out my soccer bag, I found a gift card to the local mall. And it was for $135! Yes! Sweet! It must have fallen out of the thank you card I got from my last team back in May 2008. However since it had been a year since it had been purchased it was only worth $127. Stupid monthly maintenance fees! Kevin and I went to DSG to pick up a few items. He got these shoes

and this bag. Of course for the cruise! :) I got some shirts and these ad.idas shorts (The new soccer club is adid.as and I've been coaching at ni.ke clubs for the past five-ish years). Plus I found this water bottle! I've been looking for this kind of water bottle for years! Anyways good shopping day. Of course we rounded it out with a trip to Targ.et and Ko.hl's.

Sunday - I had a very productive day! We watched the Form.ula 1 race and the first half of the WPS Championship game (not the second half, so no spoilers please!) while I did the weekly shopping list. Then after the shopping, we installed our rain barrel which we've had for MONTHS and never put in. But we got it in. Afterwards I did my 90 minute elliptical session (go PHRM!) while Kevin made this for dinner. Yum-O! We went to the Byrd to see Ter.minator: Salvati.on. And I got to squeeze in Tr.ueB.lood and De.sign S.tar before bed!

Today - It rained last night! RIC got 2-3" of rain! And Kevin said we'd go through a dry spell because we'd installed the rain barrel. I signed us up for the rolling class. We got the date we wanted. Also the girls soccer schedule came out. I knew I was going to miss two games because of the cruise but now they've scheduled a double header for that second weekend I'm gone! Come on! I don't know if I can reschedule (in the past they've been really rigid about rescheduling games), but I'll try.

Cycle News (finally!): I'm CD28 today and no signs of ovulation. My chart looks dismal. I'm thinking about taking some leftover Provera just so that I stay somewhat regular. Kevin and I are going to restart TTC when we get back, in October, so I might go in to see Dr. Grrr. I think I should do a u/s before taking the provera and also I want to have a game plan (and order any meds) for when we get back.

Adoption News: We have 2 references in! I talked to Chicken, Lylas and S and they all said that they were getting theirs in soon! So one of them did! We just need one more now. Also I called one local lawyer that had been referred to us, but when I called Kevin to confirm the appt he kind of freaked out about how fast everything was moving. So I cancelled the appt. Hopefully we'll talk about it soon and can get everything moving again. We also need to work on our profile book.

Well I think this post is long enough! I'll try to update sooner next time!

Oh, to answer some questions -

Beth - I'm coaching U-11 Girls.

A - I coach with a soccer club. I coach travel (select) soccer.

TGIF...Wait! Already?!?

I cannot believe it's Friday already. Yesterday when Cupcake reminded me it was Thursday I was shocked. But it's Friday. It's also CD4.
Tuesday after lunch I found out that Cycle #9 was a bust. I was upset, cried a few tears in the bathrooom, but then got back to work. The hardest part was going to agility after work because I knew, but Kevin didn't. I was more upset about having to tell Kevin that it didn't work than I was about it actually not working. He was so vocal and optimistic this cycle. When I did tell him once we got home he admitted to me that he was hoping for a BFP for his birthday. It broke my heart.
We have decided to take a break from TTC. We might start again in October, but for now, we're going to focus on adoption. Our homestudy appt on Wednesday went well. My individual interview went really long because our SW realized that morning that she hadn't gotten my autobiography. So it ended up being about an hour long. The couples interview was next and it was pretty short so I got out of there around 10am. Kevin's individual interview was about 20 minutes. The SW said that all our paperwork and clearances are in and everything cleared. So now we're waiting on our reference letters to come in. My friends tend to be procrastinators (like me) so I sent them all a text message reminding them that we had our appt and that the letters would be the last thing. I'll email them next week again. I don't want to be THAT friend that nags you when she's asked you for a favor but seriously, it's all our approval is contingent on. Get it in people!
About an hour after I found out about the failure of cycle #9, that lawyer I mentioned before called me. About a week after getting in touch with him, I called him again and told him that we were probably going to go with someone local but that we would keep him in mind in case we changed our mind. Well Tuesday he called to say that he's got a couple of birthmothers that he's getting ready to match up and wanted to give us a chance to be considered. Of course to be considered we'd have to pay him a retainer ($6,000) and that doesn't even guarantee that we'd get picked. It seems a bit much to me but our SW told us that's the norm when dealing with adoption attorneys. Kevin is still hesitant to use him because of what we learned on the internet about him (not good stuff). But then my Tia's co-worker swears by him and even went back a second time because she was so happy with the first. I'm going to try to call her again this weekend. Last time I never actually got a hold of her.
J's special mass is this weekend so it's off to exciting, exotic Trenton. But I'm really looking forward to seeing my cousin T. About a year or so ago, she had brain surgery to remove a tumor. J shaved his head bald when she did to show his support of her. RR told me that she's doing a lot better but I'm glad to be able to see her.

And now for a pick me up. Kevin was working from home on Wednesday and so he got to observe Dave & Les doing what they do when we're not there.

Homestudy Home Visit

This morning I woke up with a definite list of things to do in my head. Nothing major, most of the cleaning had happened the night before. Mainly cleaning after the dogs - vacuuming their hair up, wet swiffering their drool spots off the floor/window ledge, removing nose marks from the windows. Stuff I didn't want to do till I kicked the dogs out this morning. Dave was a little annoyed with me, but she use to be an all-the-time outside dog so I don't think she's allowed to complain.
The SW got there right on time. The first thing we did was tour the house and she asked a couple of questions about the house(sq. footage, lot size, location of fire extinguishers). Some questions on locations of fire stations/hospitals. We talked about the neighborhood - our block parties, kids in the neighborhood, etc. Then she asked us a few questions about us - most of this stuff were things we put in the autobiographies/application. She told us that our clearances from Florida and Ohio had arrived, she was just waiting on the fingerprint reports. She's sending out the references today, so hopefully those we've chosen will send them back soon. After asking if we had any questions (no) we set the date/time for our last homestudy appt. This part will be the personal interviews (individual & together). We went with the last Wednesday in July. It just happened to fall on Kevin's birthday, but I didn't even realize till afterwards. He didn't say anything about it so I'm assuming he doesn't mind.
Tonight we're going to a Son.ic You.th concert in town. Kevin told me about this concert like four months ago. We haven't gotten tickets yet because he refuses to use Ticket Bastard(his nickname for TM) so hopefully we'll be able to get in.

A Homestudy Process

Last you heard, Kevin and I were preparing to go to our a meeting with a social worker (SW) at JFS. They had sent us the application packet prior to our meeting so at the meeting if we knew that this was the next step for us we could get started right away. Well the meeting went really well and the so we did it! Back in January we decided to go with JFS mainly for the reason that they didn't require a 3 year marriage prior to application. If so, Kevin and I would have to wait till September 2010. Anyways, in talking to the SW I just felt more and more comfortable with this agency.
That night we had to turn in quite a few things:

1. The JFS application
2. A copy of our birth certificates
3. A copy of our passports
4. A copy of our driver's license
5. A copy of our marriage certificate
6. A personal finance form
7. A copy of last year's 1040 and a few bank statements supporting the information provided in the personal finance form
8. A copy of our health and dental insurance cards
9. Names and addresses of 5 references (they couldn't be related to us and must have known us for at least 4 years)
10. Autobiographies and a self-questionnaire (this was really interesting to read since we wrote them separately)
11. A photograph of us
12. Verification of Employment (a copy of our current paychecks)
13. Sworn Disclosure
14. Corporal Punishment Policy Agreement
15. Information Release Form
16. Signed Fee Agreement Form (this is agreeing that we are going to pay)
17. Signed Fee Statement (this was a schedule of their fees that we agreed to)

Over the weekend we went to Pa.tientFi.rst to get our Medical History Forms filled out and our Virginia Child Abuse Check Forms notarized. Then during the week we had to go to the police station to get our Fingerprint Cards (Criminal Record Check) done.

We started working on a lot of these forms before we went to the meeting on the 17th. Everything else we we turned in before our appt with Dr. Grrr on the 24th. We made an appointment for our home visit on the 8th of July.

The cost for the homestudy is $1800. This seemed to be consistent with what others I've heard of have paid. They split it up into thirds that are due at the first meeting, the home visit and the last meeting. Additional costs that we've had - $20 co-pay for the Pati.entFirs.t visit for me (Kevin doesn't have a co-pay with his insurance plan), $10 Child Abuse Check Fee, $20 to get fingerprinted, $100 Fingerprint Processing (by the FB.I) fee.

I liked JFS because they are a smaller agency that tries to empower you through the whole adoption process. One of the things that struck me about both CHSVA and CCC was that after your homestudy was done, you were expected to sit and wait in a pool of all these other potential adopters, hoping that when a birth mother came in she would pick you. JFS advocates expanding your network. Make a "Dear Birthmother" packet and send it to everyone you know, parents, cousins, friends, priests, other agencies (if allowed), & ob/gyn offices. Don't be afraid to cross state lines. They talked about adoption attorneys and online placement services. They said if you knew how to do a website to put one up. For me, this just seemed infinitely better than the process at other agencies. The other two never even talked about what you could do!

So now we're waiting and cleaning! Only a week to go and I'm sure Kevin will come up with a list of things that need to be done.

Obsessions and Olympics

So I have a new obsession. Last Sunday when I was at the airport I visited the bookstore. This is one of my all time favorite shopping experiences and most times I can find 2-3 books that I want to read, usually succumbing to purchasing one of them, much to Kevin's ire. Anyways, last Sunday I was at the bookstore and I saw a novel that looked interesting. I took a picture of it since I'm on a new library push and when I got home I ordered it from the library. And then I found out that it's a whole series with 9 books and 5 short stories in anthologies. Well of course I want to all the read the books in order. And I don't even know if I like the books yet! Anyways, while I doing my "research" on the series, I found out it's become an cable series as well. So I check our onDemand and sure enough the whole first series was available because the second season premiere was Sunday. So I watched all twelve episodes between Friday and Sunday. This with being out of the house most of the day on Saturday. It's bad.
Saturday we spent all day at the Special Olympics. It was the state-wide competition. Kevin's company volunteers every year. It's a lot of fun and a lot of his everyday coworkers are there because the guy that organizes it is one of the IT guys. Last year when we showed up for our afternoon shift, we got to watch a few races but then the weather got so hot (over 110° F) that the medical staff couldn't keep up with all the people coming in. So they canceled the afternoon. This year Kevin signed us up for the all day shift that meant we had to be there by 6:30 am! (Grrr!) But once we got there it was awesome. We helped out with the track and field registration. Kevin and I were "runners", shuttling the actual runners between the registration desk and their waiting area. The last events were relay races and we got to go on the field and observe the baton exchanges. Some of these kids are fast! Some of the parents & coaches were saying that this year was one of the smoothest races they've ever been too. Races ran on time and we were actually done by 2pm! Usually the event organizers tell parents to be prepared to be around till 5:30pm.
Once, while I was walking back to the registration desk after having taken a runner to their tent, I saw Kevin walking with a little girl, no more than 7 or 8. As they passed me I turned to look at them. She was small, with curly hair in a ponytail and holding onto Kevin's hand tightly. It made me a little sad to see that, wondering how long it would be till it was our own child holding on to Kevin's hand. I smiled and as I turned back, one of Kevin's co-workers who was watching them told me "I'm not sure who's leading who, but my money is on her."
Tomorrow we have our initial meeting with JFS. We haven't committed yet to doing the home study, but they've sent us the application/packet just in case. We're going to bring it with us and have everything just in case we decide to go for it. The SW said they could count our meeting as the first interview of the home study if we decide to do it.

the talk

So I managed to get Kevin at a good time and I asked him what he thought our next step should be. Of course he tried to defer to me and my feelings and wishes, but I stood my ground. I told him that irregardless of me, in his heart, what did he want to do. After a while he finally admitted to me that he wants to keep trying as long as we have options. Dr. Grrr seems to think we'll be more successful if we can produce more follicles(2-3) each cycle. If it works, Kevin wants to try it out for a few months. So I called Dr. Grrr and told him to call in the order for the BCP, Lupron & HMG. We are in for another round.
On Tuesday I got a call from my Tia D in San Diego. I get occasional texts/emails from her about myGramma, cousins or uncle, but she doesn't usually call. So when I answered, she told me that she had just sent me an important email. I check my email and she had forwarded me an email from a coworker of hers about an adoption attorney in PA that she used to adopt two babies (single adoptions about a year apart). The last adoption took place in February and they had just hired him in October. Four months! Wow! So I gave him a call and we talked for a while about what services he offers, agency vs. private adoption, costs and procedures. He sound very positive and relayed the fact that he and his wife had adopted both his sons. He emailed me a few documents including a legal agreement. I then called my Tia's coworker but had to leave a voicemail. She hasn't called me back yet, so I'll try again tonight.
I had to bring it up with Kevin because with him wanting to do another round, I didn't know what this did to the adoption plans. But when I brought it up, Kevin agreed that we could start the home study at least (it's valid in VA for 3 years) and then once we know what this cycle is going to do, become more aggressive in pursuing adoption. I told him that I wanted to adopt even if we could have kids on our own, so that we don't have to stop TTC if we did adopt. He was reluctant but agreed that it might be the way we have to build our family.
So today is day two of our break. My next appt with Dr. Grrr is on the 24th. What the heck am I going to write about until then?

Technically 1 Year

A year ago today Kevin and I finally agreed to start TTC. Before our wedding, I tried to convince him that we should start trying right away (my kids and marriage rule) but he said he wanted time to adjust to being married. I was confused by his hesitation as we had already been living together for a year. More if you count that I was always over at his apartment when we lived in Ohio even though I technically lived with my Tia and Uncle. But I agreed. Then in March, I realized that if I got pregnant right away (ha!) that I would be due around Christmas 2008. Five days before that would be Mum's 60th birthday and also 2008 was a England Christmas year. So I pushed it back two months to May. Well May finally arrived and Kevin was still hesitant to start TTC. We talked about it a few times. My main argument was our advancing years and that I wanted at least 3 kids. My plan was that I would have kid #1 by 31, kid #2 by 34 and kid #3 by 36. I wanted to keep the babies on this side of my 30s rather the late 30s. Kevin's main argument was that I should lose weight before getting pregnant. He had all sorts of articles and research on the health of babies born to mothers who were overweight/obese. So for most of May we disagreed.

Then for Memorial Day we went to visit my parents. While there we had a big cook out with a bunch of my high school/college friends. One of the couples had two kids, about 4 and 5. I think watching those kids interact with me, my parents, and their parents is what made Kevin change his mind. Suddenly he was all for starting right away. Finally!

And now it's a year later and we are still TTC. Of course between January and August, I'd only had 1 visit from AF that Provera had brought on. I probably never ovulated during those months, so can I say it's been a year if getting KU wasn't even a possibility?

In August, it'll be one year since I took my first Clomid pill to help TTC, so maybe that will be when I feel it's really official.

Cycle the 8th

**After finishing this post I realized how long it is. I'm sorry! Thank you if you read all the way through. If you don't, I won't be offended.

Okay I've mentioned several times that I have always felt a calling to adopt. Before thoughts of TTC, before Kevin, heck before I grew up, I always wanted to adopt. I don't know if I innately knew that I would have trouble TTC or if God gave me a nudge to help me cope with IF, but it's always been the plan. Kevin not so much. Not that he was against adoption but he always thought of it as something you did if you couldn't have kids. So back in Jan/Feb when we went to the JFS adoption workshop and had our first appt with Dr. G, we agreed to give Dr. G a few months/cycles and if nothing happened, go ahead and start the adoption process. So in a way I've been looking forward to this cycle, if only because it means that we can move forward with adoption if it fails. That's sounds horrible doesn't it? It's just hard to give up your dreams or keep having to put them off. And for me the dream was having kids, not getting pregnant.

CD4 - Monday

I return to RIC and in my email inbox is my receipt for the HMG & HCG. $600!!! Oh. My. Goodness. That's a lot of dough. That's 3 return flights down to Florida to visit my parents. Just shy of a return flight to England. It's almost 6 months of agility lessons. For both dogs. It's a lot of money just so that I can might possibly get pregnant. And that's if it works this time. I've ovulated 4 times this year and still I'm not pregnant. I'm more than ever convinced of my calling to adopt. I feel like I'm wasting my time and money with the RE, this is not going to work. So when I get home and talk about it to Kevin, I tell him that I'm done. I'm so over these endless trips to the RE, my obsession with CM, CDs & BBT, the mounting bills, and mostly my body stubbornly refusing to produce better results with more powerful medicine. I tell him that this is the last medicated/assisted cycle. I know he's not ready for adoption, but I'll wait and when he is ready, we'll start the adoption process. He says okay and then proceeds to give me my first shot of HMG.

CD5, CD6 & CD7

Nothing major TTC-wise happened on these days. Got the shots like normal, nothing disturbing. Non-TTC wise I got in a car accident on Wednesday (CD6). Everyone was fine, no injuries. It involved one slow moving car backing out of a parking space (me) and another car cruising for a parking spot and stopping right behind said backwards-moving car. I totally didn't see the other car until I felt the crunch of the cars colliding. In moving forward back into my space, my back bumper was ripped off. I dropped off my car at the body shop on Thursday and since then, we've been a one-car family again. Except it's more annoying this time around.

CD8

My big appointment. It was scheduled for 8:30am. We were going to be able to see what twice the dosage had done for me. I show up at Dr. G's office and R greets me with a "What are you doing here?" Apparently Dr. G went on vacation early. And somehow mixed up what Friday my appt was so then the staff couldn't call me to reschedule or send me to the coverage RE's office. So after some phone calls & checking charts, it was decided that I should go see the standin RE. Whose office doesn't open till 9am and is across the river. J gets me an appt at 9:40am and I head across town. I got to see a new RE for my u/s. He found a 6mm and 9mm follicle on my left ovary and couldn't see anything on the right. I was kinda upset at this because last cycle lefty showed up early and then fizzled out. Plus nothing on the right! Anyways, he bumped me back up to 300ius HMG for the next three injections and made an appt for me on Monday. This left me in a bit of a predicament. I only had 6 vials (75iu) at home. So I call J to find out what to do and she says that she has some she can lend me but that I'll need to pick them up by noon. No problem! Today is Kevin's work from home day so he can just swing by around noon to pick them up. I call Kevin. He reminds me that I have the only car. Ugg! So I call J back even more panicked. I tell her there's no way I can travel back to their office to pick up the meds (I'm already an hour late to when I said I'd be at work) and that Kevin doesn't have a car. She suggests that she leave them in a bag with my name on it and taped to the door. I can pick them up when I get out of work (again an hour later than normal because the appt took so long). I see no other option so I agree. Hopefully nobody will swipe my meds. Then about 2pm Kevin callls. He had ridden his bike down to the office (6 miles each way) and picked up the meds so they were now safely at home. Crisis averted.

CD9 & CD10

HMG injections continue. They're getting more painful and I'm now bleeding a bit. My mail-order Rx finally come in.

CD11

This u/s (at coverage RE's office cause Dr. G is still on vacation) is scheduled for 12:20pm but the RE is late so I end up not seeing him till 12:40. He sees a 10mm and 13mm follicle on left but can't find the right. After several minutes he gives up. He has me stay on 300ius and says that he thinks that if I do an IUI, it will probably be at the weekend. However he's concerned that he can't find my right ovary so he wants me to go see Dr. G the next day (when he's back). After a whole afternoon of back and forth with J about the necessity of me coming in on Tuesday vs. Wednesday/Thursday I finally cave and agree to come in on Tuesday. I just thought it was silly because really, how much could it grow in 1-2 days if there wasn't anything there on Friday. But whatever.

CD12

I show up to Dr. G's office armed with my HMG (to replenish the office meds). When Dr. G figures out that I just saw the RE the previous day, he asks "What are you doing here today then?". Grrr. So u/s again and lefty has a 15mm follicle and righty (after a bit of looking!) has a 9mm follicle. 300ius for the next two days and I should come back on Thursday. I know they're trying to stay on top of this follicle situation, but seriously, I. have. work! That evening when I'm about 5 minutes away from home (and 30 minutes away from work) I realize I've left my HMG in my desk drawer. I rush back to work and then home, arriving an hour and fifteen minutes past my normal time for my injection. I end up missing the BSC baby shower for one of the ladies. Worst of all I subject my BSC & CISG buddy, S, to being there alone because I have no way of getting ahold of her to tell her I'm missing the class. Here I was looking forward to her being there with me because we could deal together and I abandon her. Luckily she forgave me when she found out what happened.

CD13

HMG still painful and bleeding. What the heck is Kevin doing?

CD14

My appt was at 11:30 originally but J called and asked me to come in 15 minutes early. I show up by 11:20 and there are two people in the waiting rooms as well as the exam rooms full. Seems Dr. Grrr (his new nickname!) is running late and has an office full of patients. At noon (when I told work I'd be back) I'm finally shown to an exam room and it takes another 10 minutes before Dr. Grrr shows up. Lefty is sporting an 18mm! Dr. Grrr says I'm ready and that I can trigger that night and have an IUI on Saturday. He comments again how I only produced 1 follicle even though we doubled the meds. According to him I should have follicles everywhere! Hello what about the fact that I have a 18mm follicle on CD14 when that usually doesn't happen till CD20 or so? Anyways, I'm a bit nervous about triggering 2 days before the IUI so I wait until right before midnight to get the HCG.

CD15

No more regular injections! Plus it's Friday! Plus I didn't ovulate (for once a good thing)!

CD16

Kevin goes in for his pre-appt at 8am and then comes home. We watch a bit of TV and then head to coverage RE's office (the same one I saw on Monday) for our noon apppt. IUI was painless, but uncomfortable. About 20 minutes after the procedure we were sent home. The RE said I could go back to normal activity. Pssshaw! I took a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day and took the rest of the day way easy.

CD17, CD18, & CD19

BBTs are up which means I ovulated on Saturday. Awesome!

CD20

Today. I'm also 4DPIUI and 4DPO. Kevin keeps saying that DPIUI stands for dots per inch-user interface. Oh that funny guy! Tomorrow is the HCG booster (5000ius) to help my LP. As of right now it's the last shot ever.

Ohio, not Florida

Six months ago I thought I would be in Ohio this weekend instead of Florida. MyMom has one sister, B. Tía B has two sons D & lil G. D is 11 months older than me, lil G about 3 years younger. Growing up, D & lil G spent most of their years in Germany. They finally moved back to the states, to Georgia, when I was in the 8th grade. The following year myMom, myDad, Wiki, Grandma, Grandpa and I moved to Florida. My grandparents were always wanting to go visit D & lil G (they never got to see them while they were in Germany) so Wiki and I often tagged along. Right before Senior year of HS, they moved again and then kept moving every year or so (Uncle G was in the Ai.r F.orce). They finally settled down in Ohio.
Anyways, back in 2004, Tía B called and said that lil G was getting married. Then a few months later she called to say that he wasn't getting married anymore. A few months after that, she called to say that lil G had gotten his new girlfriend pregnant and the first grandchild was going to be born in February of 2005. J was born and plans for marriage were put in place, but nothing really materialized. They had an off and on relationship that finally collapsed right around the time that I got married. Wait, there's more!
In the summer of 2008, Tía B called and said that lil G was getting married. His new fiancée wanted to get married in the church and so they wouldn't be getting married until the first weekend in May 2009. Well fast forward to January and myMom calls Tía B to check on some things before booking her flights and Tía B tells her that there isn't going to be a wedding in May. Not because they've broken up, but because lil G's fiancée is pregnant. She's due in August 2009 and so wants to have the wedding after the pregnancy & birth.
My mom sends me an email to let me (and the rest of the family) know. When I got this email, I was like "Wow!" I was in the beginning of a new cycle, just having come off an anovulatory 45CD cycle. Also, I had just learned that Chicken was pregnant (obviously you can tell which affected me more).
These were the first pregnancy announcements that came with a stab of pain since now I was dealing with infertility. Since then, I've been trying to figure out how I should deal. This is my conclusion.
I believe that God has a plan for me. It is His plan and the best plan. I trust in His plan. I believe that God wants me to be a mother, but how He will make me a mother, I have no clue. All those women who get pregnant, whether by choice or by accident, are just women who happened to get pregnant. Just because they got pregnant doesn't mean that I will not have kids one day. Those lives/souls were never meant for me, so how can I mourn the lost "opportunity" when it was never mine to begin with? Does it hurt when I find out about it? Yes. Does the start of each new cycle cause pain. Yep, but it's okay. Because I trust in His plan for me. I trust that I will be a mother one day.

⁸"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD.
⁹"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
¹⁰"For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
And do not return there without watering the earth
And making it bear and sprout,
And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;
¹¹So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth;
It will not return to Me empty,
Without accomplishing what I desire,
And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.
                Isaiah 55:8-11

Being Boring

I know I haven't blogged in a while, but that's because really nothing is going on here. Today is CD18 and no +OPKs yet. Temps have fluctuated a little but nothing to indicate ovulation. Only 7 more days till my new RE appt. They called me today to request my records from the other RE & my OB/GYN. They also asked me if I've ever had a HSG. Ick.
At work they're talking about a possible furlough in the near future. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Financially, Kevin and I would be okay as we live well within our means, but it still would be a little bit scary.
Lately I've been a little intrigued about embryo adoption. The Catholic church hasn't come out and said not to do it, but they haven't said it's okay. IVF is not an option for us because of my beliefs, however the new RE is suppose to be really IVF focused (according to the brochure) so I'm hoping that he'll be okay with trying to find out what's wrong with me without pushing us towards IVF.
So like I said, nothing too exciting, but I'll try to not wait so long to post next time.

Adoption Agency Search

Last night was the third Adoption Orientation(AO) that we've gone to. 

We hit the Commonwealth Catholic Charities AO in November right before Thanksgiving.  We were the only couple there. The lady kept trying to push us towards international adoption and also we were surprised by how much they were wanting to charge us.  I mean, I knew roughly what is was going to cost, but 15% of our gross income on top of all the other fees for the home study, lawyers, court, etc., was just a big surprise.  Also, they had a minimum marriage length rule. We could apply as early as our 2nd anniversary but would have to wait till our third to get on the list. That's two more years!

In December when I went to my first meeting of the Infertility Support Group, I learned about three other agencies, Children's Home Society of Virginia, Bethany Christian Services and Jewish Family Services. I sent emails to all three and waited. I got responses from BCS and JFS but not CHSVA. I emailed them again (as I saw on their website that their AO was the next week) and finally got a terse reply. So Kevin and I went to the AO and this time there was another couple present.  They had a good presentation, but again they had a minimum marriage length rule and CHSVA wouldn't even let us apply until our 3rd anniversary.  Also the women there just seemed very off putting to me. I just didn't get very good vibes from them.

Later I emailed the BCS woman back and asked about a minimum marriage rule and got no reply, so I wrote them off.

Now one of the reasons why JFS was mentioned was that a co-worker of one of the girls at the infertility support group had adopted through them.  The couple knew that they were not going to be able to have biological children when they got married and so wanted to go straight into adoption. JFS doesn't have a minimum marriage length rule and with JFS they were able to adopt before their 3rd anniversary.

Last night's AO was a bit different than the ones we had been to previously.  There were about 12-14 couples there, even a few non couple people.  First they had an adoption attorney speak, then a couple who adopted 10 month old twin girls in October and finally the social worker spoke.  The adoption attorney was funny because she kept saying that she wasn't going to go into specifics and then would proceed to do it.  The couple who adopted was great. They talked about the process, their feelings, even their decision to adopt a Caucasian child then reversal of that decision (the girls are bi-racial) and finally what's been going on since then.  It was really nice to hear their story.  The Social Worker was great and she was very warm and friendly. At the end of the meeting her and another social worker told us that they were willing to stay even later (the meeting ran for 2 hours!) if any couples wanted to get started that night with the application process. I knew by then that when we're ready to adopt, we're going to go with JFS. I just had this feeling that we fit.

For now, Kevin and I have decided not to make any decisions yet.  We're going to see how this cycle goes, but ultimately it's going to be the appointment with our new RE that needs to be in the mix before we decide what's the next step for us.

Speaking of this cycle, I'm at 10DPO! Yay! Double digits! I'm ignoring any twinges, cramps or other symptoms because I don't want to get my hopes up, or conversely, convince myself that I'm not pregnant. I started back temping today it was an okay temp. I still haven't decided when I'm going to POAS. Part of me would rather see AF show up than see a negative HPT. 

I've made it!

Today is 7DPO. I've lasted longer than last time I ovulated. I'm now in my 1WW. Also today I've reached my "Less-than-1-month-till-I-see-my-new-RE" point. Wow! I'm hoping this week goes by fast. And it should as it's going to be pretty busy. Tomorrow night we have the next concert in our RVA Symphony series. Tuesday is our adoption orientation at JFS. I'm excited about this one because I've heard that they don't have a marriage length requirement. Most places make you wait till your third anniversary before they'll even let you apply. Wednesday I'm going to a Family Meals Ministry meeting at church. Yes, part of the ministry is cooking, which I don't usually do here at home, but the other part is actually going out to the parish families and delivering the food. I wouldn't mind that part, I love meeting new people. Especially people that I might see later at church. I was kind of disappointed that I never ran into any of the ladies from the BSC at church. I guess they all go to earlier masses than Kevin and I do. Thursday is Les and Dave's agility class and Friday we're suppose to go climbing again. By that point I will be 12dpo and the HCG shot should be out of my system so I can test and get a reliable result. I haven't decided when I'm going to test yet, but I guess I'll decide that if I make it to 14dpo. Saturday is also the next meeting of the Infertility Support Group so I'm looking forward to that. It's been almost 2 months since our last meeting.
I have decided to take a break from BBT. I told myself that if I made it through 6dpo just fine, then really, I didn't need a temp again till 10dpo. So this morning when the alarm went off at 6am (Kevin set it for some reason last night.) I just got up and turned it off. Then I went back to bed. It's just a 3 day break, but at least I'll have three nights of being able to thrash around if I want and sleeping until the alarm goes off.

A familiar face

This morning at 10:30 my blogging world was turned upside down. I received a comment from a new reader named Beth. Now for most of us having a new reader is a good thing. However I freaked out a bit because I know Beth IRL. She is a soccer mom of a girl I coached 8 years ago.

One of the best things about the built-in blog roll is that not only can you list the blogs you are reading, but you can choose to list their latest post title. This is a great way for me to quickly check on everyone's blog as well provide quick links to their blog. I probably use my own blog roll way more than anyone else who regularly visits my blog does. Three of the blogs listed are written by people I knew IRL before I found their blog. When first setting up the blog roll I chose to list their blog even though I knew there was a small possibility that they could find me. But I tried to minimize that risk by making sure I never clicked on that link. I always directly typed in their website address or I access it through a bookmark. I work with website statistics and website optimization all day long so I thought I had it covered. But I never considered that someone might click to their blog through my blogroll. I'm pretty sure that's how Beth found me.

So her comment touched home for me for several reasons.

"I had no idea what you were going through..."

This is true, almost no one knows what Kevin and I are going through. My family knows that I have PCOS and that I'm taking medicine to try to "regulate" my cycles. I think they kind of know that we're trying to fix it because we want kids, but they've all been really good at not asking too many questions. I've forbidden Kevin from telling his family because I feel like it's just one more thing that they could mark in the con column of having me for a daughter-in-law. Most likely if they never get a biological grandchild from Kevin it will be my fault. I just can't stand for them to know. Yet. I know one day I'll have to tell them, I just can't yet. I've told my cousin Mayo, an old friend from grade school and Chicken to varying degrees about what's going on in that front, but I don't keep them up to date with the latest. Again, they don't ask and I don't tell.

"or that you even wanted kids."

This assumption is true for most people who know me. Why? Well because for most of my adult life, I didn't want to have kids. When asked about kids my answers were always "Heck no!" or "Only if I can give them back!" It seems a weird stance for someone who works with kids as much as I do, but then again, I don't think anyone who knows me would call me maternal. People always tell you that once you have kids, it will kick in, but really until a couple of years ago, I'd never really seriously considered actually having kids. Even now when I think about adopting, I keep looking at toddlers (1-3 years old) instead of newborns. I'm scared of not being able to have kids, but I'm also scared to have them.

"You'll be a great mom. I will keep you & Kevin in my prayers."

Soccer parents at best are a group of people who are cheerleaders not only for their daughters, but the team and the coaches as well. They can be the ultimate support system whenever needed. Beth is definitely one of the best examples of this. Just read her blog to see how much she and her husband have changed their lives to share their daughters' passion. All three of her kids are great kids and she is definitely an example of how to do it right.

"Can I link to you on my Blogroll or are you trying to keep this on the DL?"

I've been struggling with this question all day long. I'm not really sure who reads Beth's blog other than Joanne (another former soccer mom), Beth's husband and Beth's kids. So do I want to open this up to them? As a coach, I've taken my responsibilities as a role model seriously. I changed the way I talked (cursing less) and thought of the 10-18 girls under my charge when making decisions. I've always tried to be someone they could look up to and trust and respect. Is this suppose to be one more way that I'm suppose to help? For the past 8 years that I coached, there are around 4-6 girls from each team that I coached that I still keep in touch with. So around 25-30 girls all in high school or college now. There's every likelyhood that one of those girls is going to have a problem with PCOS or with some type of infertility. Even though I feel a strong calling to adopt, maybe I was suppose to go through this for them. On the other hand, do I want to go public with this information yet? I'm still struggling with the label of infertility and all that goes with it. Am I ready for this? But then again, why did I list their blogs at all unless I really did want to be found out. I always knew it was a possibility.

So you might be asking me if I am upset that my blog was found out. Truthfully, no. And I mean that. Having one more person in my corner and offering positive thoughts and prayers will help. I might have to make some changes. Like on my FF chart, I removed the BD'ing section, cause it's weird for me to have that kind of information available to people who actually know me and Kevin. But for the most part, I'm okay with knowing that Beth reads my blog. Even more than okay.

As for the linking, I don't think I'm ready for that. Maybe after February, when I've seen the new RE, Kevin and I have made a choice about adoption or we have a new plan for battling this darn infertility I'll be more open to it. But for now I'd like to keep this to myself for a little while longer.

So welcome Beth. Welcome to my world :).

P.S. Man! Can I over analyze a situation or what? Maybe I am turning more into Wiki than I thought!

How I Thought I Was Going to Turn Out, Pt. 1

This story is kind of long and rambling, but I'm a firm believer that you need to have all the pieces in order to fully understand this story. I'll tie it up all nicely in the end, I think. I hope.

So you know how when you're a little girl, you would play with your dolls and play house? You grow up thinking about that man you're going to marry and the 2.5 kids you'll have with the dog and the white picket fence? Yeah, that was never me. Not that I didn't play with dolls and play house.

When I was 7 years old my Mom, Wiki and I were shopping at JC Penney when I noticed that there was a Cabbage Patch Kid sitting atop one of the rotary clothes racks. I pulled him down, looked around and couldn't see any other little girls looking for their dolls. I took the doll over to my Mom and showed it to her. Of course she thought that I had taken the doll from someone so I showed her where I got it from. She asked me if I had taken it out of the packaging and I said it was just sitting there. Wiki pointed out that the clothes/shoes/doll didn't look new. So we walked around and we stopped Moms with kids and asked if they had misplaced a doll. None had so after about an hour my Mom decided that we could keep it. At the time there was no way I would have ever gotten a CPK on my own. They were about $30-$50 dollars and my Mom was in no way going to spend that much on a doll. I remember thinking "How could anyone leave him sitting there? How could they forget they put him down? How could they walk away from him?" But then I knew he was mine. I no longer cared where he'd been, why he was left behind, or anything. He was mine.

Quick side bar here: My Dad was obsessed with computers and technology. He always wanted the latest thing. Sometime before the whole JC Penney scene, he convinced my Mom to buy a Coleco Adam. With it you got a $500 college savings fund (which was like the cost of the system) and a rebate for a free Cabbage Patch Kid. We mailed off for it and she arrived. She was really pretty, but remained in a plastic bag on top of my parent's hutch in their bedroom. Like I said before, there was no way my mom was going to pay for an actual CPK and since we only got one and there were two of us, it was decided that the doll would be kept as a collector's item. Neither one of us got her.

So back to the day of the JC Penney trip. We got home that evening and there was a decision to be made. As I was the youngest and very much a spoiled brat, Wiki let me decide which CPK I wanted. I knew right away, I wanted him. I named him Marc Allen, made him an adoption certificate like the one that came with Wiki's. I loved him. He looked nothing like me—pale, blonde and blue eyed—but I loved him. I played with him all the time, even when playing with my other toys. During the day he lived on my bed instead of in the toy box. Then about a year later my Mom and Wiki came home with two new CPKs (the ones that could hold pencils and wore glasses). Marc Allen and I welcomed Miguel Andres (whose original name was Headley Roy—yuck! Quickly renamed!) to the family. Miguel Andres was older, looked more like me with his darker hair and made our play family whole. I loved that my CPKs came to me, I didn't choose them. I loved that we made a family and that they were "adopted."

I think that's when I started thing about adopting. I started thinking about what would happen when I grew up. I always wanted a big house, but not because it was big, but because I could adopt lots of kids then. I pictured myself opening up my house to all these kids. But no where did getting married and having kids of my own factor into it. I always pictured it just being me. And the adopted kids.