CD8 appt

Today was the u/s appt with Dr. Grrr. I showed up a little early so that I could read my book so of course, I got seen right away. He found 4 small follicles (>4mm) on the left ovary and one 7.7mm on the right and one slightly smaller. I'm not happy with the results. Today is CD8. Last cycle I started HMG one day later, only had 4 doses (2 of those were only 225iu!) and came in one day earlier for an ultrasound and I had a 9mm follicle. This cycle I had 5 full doses (at 300iu) plus Lupron and all I got was four barely there follicles and two slightly larger follicles. Then Dr. Grrr starts talking to me about things I should start thinking about. He tells me that at most his guideline is for no more than twins. So with these 6 follies, he sees two possible scenarios:

1. Two mature and all goes as planned.
2. All six (or more than two mature).

If situ 2 happens, I either

1. do an IUI and selectively reduce to twins after the fact,
2. skip this cycle all together,
3. convert this cycle to IVF.

Hello! WTF! It's CD8! There's hardly anything there! What the heck are you talking about. I tell him that I won't selectively reduce and that Kevin and are uncomfortable with IVF so that if too many mature, we'll sit this cycle out. He then tells me that Kevin and I should come in for an IVF consultation to learn about our options and I again tell him that we're not doing IVF. He just looks at me like I'm being a moron. When I left his office I was so mad. I called Kevin to tell him about it and he was just as indignant.

So I've been reading up on the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops' teachings on "Reproductive Technologies". According to them there are seven "technologies" that are compatible with Catholic teachings. Looking at the list, we're doing okay. Some hiccups, but mainly okay. Then there's the list of what you can't do. The list is long but basically any procedure which adds a "third party" into the act of conception, or which substitute a laboratory procedure for intercourse, are not acceptable.

I was a little dismayed when I read up on this because we had just done our first IUI. The problem wasn't with the IUI itself, it was more the collection method. IUIs of "licitly obtained" (normal intercourse with a special cond.om) are still under discussion so I was considering asking Dr. Grrr about that. But judging from his behavior today I doubt he'd be open to it.

The last option we would have which is under discussion is Gamete intra-fallopian transfer (GIFT). Again, it's been neither approved nor dissapproved and requires a laproscopy, but at least I know I have one more option.

So knowing all this, I still think we're going to do an IUI this cycle. It's like Kevin says - If this is it, let's throw everything at it. I will find out about those con.doms though, but I'm not banking on them being an option. And if Dr. Grrr brings up IVF again, I'll bring up GIFT. Or Low Tubal Ovum Transfer (LTOT). Should be interesting.

Not-busy 4th

Another 4th of July at home. Sometimes Kevin and I can be really boring. We talk the big talk but we don't actually walk the big walk (actually walking out of the house!). We are such homebodies sometimes and I know we've got to break out of it.

The weekend started good. We went back to Colonial Williamsburg on Friday for their goings-on. It was interesting, the highlights being the reading of the Declaration of Independence and the Fifes & Drums playing. We got back around 7pm and even though we had planned on going climbing, by the time we unloaded and ate, we were both so tired that neither one of us put up a protest when it was suggested that we skip climbing.

Saturday we didn't do much. We worked with Les and Dave on agility stuff. Last Monday, Les was promoted to Level 7. Woo Hoo! She's entering the serious dog levels. A few weeks ago I had a talk with Kevin about his plans for Les. I told him that if he didn't want to compete with Les we were good. However if he did, then he needed to step up his game. Currently the dogs go to class twice a week, one of those times without me so Kevin has to split his time between the two. But outside of class we don't practice with the dogs (we've got jumps and weave poles in our backyard). So he started leaving Dave behind on the night I couldn't go. With Les moving up to Level 7, we talked again about the fact that if he wants to compete then he and Les need to practice every day and that he needs to get more consistent with her training and discipline. Also, he needs to train her to master new "tricks" to keep her brain engaged. So now she's got to "work" for every meal outside with Kevin. I get to watch through the bathroom window (I don't want to be outside since I could be a distraction) and just from his work over the weekend I can already see her being more intuned to his body movements (the type of agility training we do directs the dogs by your body language rather than actually yelling commands at them). Also now that Les has moved up, he can take Dave to the Level 6 class which is right after Les' Level 7 class.

We also watched the Women's Wimbledon final. I love watching matches between those sisters. I'm always reminded of me and Wiki when I see sisters who have a really strong bond but also can just as competitive with each other as they are with everyone else and at the end of the day still be good (and even compete with each other for the doubles championship).

We were going to go watch the fireworks in town, but it would have taken forever to get to, forever to find a parking space, and forever to get out of because of all the traffic. So we skipped it. Then in the Sunday morning paper learned that a park near us had a fireworks show. Bummer! We would have gone to that one!

Sunday we watched the Wimbledon final. It was great! I really wanted And.y Rodd.ick to win and felt so bad when it didn't happen. Four hours though! Whew!

A Homestudy Process

Last you heard, Kevin and I were preparing to go to our a meeting with a social worker (SW) at JFS. They had sent us the application packet prior to our meeting so at the meeting if we knew that this was the next step for us we could get started right away. Well the meeting went really well and the so we did it! Back in January we decided to go with JFS mainly for the reason that they didn't require a 3 year marriage prior to application. If so, Kevin and I would have to wait till September 2010. Anyways, in talking to the SW I just felt more and more comfortable with this agency.
That night we had to turn in quite a few things:

1. The JFS application
2. A copy of our birth certificates
3. A copy of our passports
4. A copy of our driver's license
5. A copy of our marriage certificate
6. A personal finance form
7. A copy of last year's 1040 and a few bank statements supporting the information provided in the personal finance form
8. A copy of our health and dental insurance cards
9. Names and addresses of 5 references (they couldn't be related to us and must have known us for at least 4 years)
10. Autobiographies and a self-questionnaire (this was really interesting to read since we wrote them separately)
11. A photograph of us
12. Verification of Employment (a copy of our current paychecks)
13. Sworn Disclosure
14. Corporal Punishment Policy Agreement
15. Information Release Form
16. Signed Fee Agreement Form (this is agreeing that we are going to pay)
17. Signed Fee Statement (this was a schedule of their fees that we agreed to)

Over the weekend we went to Pa.tientFi.rst to get our Medical History Forms filled out and our Virginia Child Abuse Check Forms notarized. Then during the week we had to go to the police station to get our Fingerprint Cards (Criminal Record Check) done.

We started working on a lot of these forms before we went to the meeting on the 17th. Everything else we we turned in before our appt with Dr. Grrr on the 24th. We made an appointment for our home visit on the 8th of July.

The cost for the homestudy is $1800. This seemed to be consistent with what others I've heard of have paid. They split it up into thirds that are due at the first meeting, the home visit and the last meeting. Additional costs that we've had - $20 co-pay for the Pati.entFirs.t visit for me (Kevin doesn't have a co-pay with his insurance plan), $10 Child Abuse Check Fee, $20 to get fingerprinted, $100 Fingerprint Processing (by the FB.I) fee.

I liked JFS because they are a smaller agency that tries to empower you through the whole adoption process. One of the things that struck me about both CHSVA and CCC was that after your homestudy was done, you were expected to sit and wait in a pool of all these other potential adopters, hoping that when a birth mother came in she would pick you. JFS advocates expanding your network. Make a "Dear Birthmother" packet and send it to everyone you know, parents, cousins, friends, priests, other agencies (if allowed), & ob/gyn offices. Don't be afraid to cross state lines. They talked about adoption attorneys and online placement services. They said if you knew how to do a website to put one up. For me, this just seemed infinitely better than the process at other agencies. The other two never even talked about what you could do!

So now we're waiting and cleaning! Only a week to go and I'm sure Kevin will come up with a list of things that need to be done.

CD1 - take two

So I'm not sure if I should still consider this Cycle #9 since AF is visiting again. Because of the cyst found a few Mondays ago (the 8th, CD2) I've been taking BCPs since that Wednesday (CD4). On the 24th, I went back to Dr. Grrr's office and got the all clear. I started the Lupron that night but didn't stop the BCPs till Saturday(CD21). Today is now CD 1 again. Lupron continues for another 4 days and HMG starts on Wednesday. My next appt is on Monday (the 6th, CD8). We'll then know if this Lupron/HMG trick is going to work.

I'm not really optimistic that these meds or this cycle are going to work. I've trying to stay positive because I firmly believe in mind over matter and I want to give Kevin his fair shot. I asked him what he wanted for his bday (a month from today!) the other day and he said a baby. I was kind of shocked by his answer, but over the past three weeks he's been displaying more and more signs that he wants to keep going, keep TTC. At $600-800 per cycle, I just feel the money would be better spent on the homestudy or an adoption attorney. It would be one thing if Dr. Grrr knew what was wrong with me, but if the best they can do is unexplained, what's the point?

Obsessions and Olympics

So I have a new obsession. Last Sunday when I was at the airport I visited the bookstore. This is one of my all time favorite shopping experiences and most times I can find 2-3 books that I want to read, usually succumbing to purchasing one of them, much to Kevin's ire. Anyways, last Sunday I was at the bookstore and I saw a novel that looked interesting. I took a picture of it since I'm on a new library push and when I got home I ordered it from the library. And then I found out that it's a whole series with 9 books and 5 short stories in anthologies. Well of course I want to all the read the books in order. And I don't even know if I like the books yet! Anyways, while I doing my "research" on the series, I found out it's become an cable series as well. So I check our onDemand and sure enough the whole first series was available because the second season premiere was Sunday. So I watched all twelve episodes between Friday and Sunday. This with being out of the house most of the day on Saturday. It's bad.
Saturday we spent all day at the Special Olympics. It was the state-wide competition. Kevin's company volunteers every year. It's a lot of fun and a lot of his everyday coworkers are there because the guy that organizes it is one of the IT guys. Last year when we showed up for our afternoon shift, we got to watch a few races but then the weather got so hot (over 110° F) that the medical staff couldn't keep up with all the people coming in. So they canceled the afternoon. This year Kevin signed us up for the all day shift that meant we had to be there by 6:30 am! (Grrr!) But once we got there it was awesome. We helped out with the track and field registration. Kevin and I were "runners", shuttling the actual runners between the registration desk and their waiting area. The last events were relay races and we got to go on the field and observe the baton exchanges. Some of these kids are fast! Some of the parents & coaches were saying that this year was one of the smoothest races they've ever been too. Races ran on time and we were actually done by 2pm! Usually the event organizers tell parents to be prepared to be around till 5:30pm.
Once, while I was walking back to the registration desk after having taken a runner to their tent, I saw Kevin walking with a little girl, no more than 7 or 8. As they passed me I turned to look at them. She was small, with curly hair in a ponytail and holding onto Kevin's hand tightly. It made me a little sad to see that, wondering how long it would be till it was our own child holding on to Kevin's hand. I smiled and as I turned back, one of Kevin's co-workers who was watching them told me "I'm not sure who's leading who, but my money is on her."
Tomorrow we have our initial meeting with JFS. We haven't committed yet to doing the home study, but they've sent us the application/packet just in case. We're going to bring it with us and have everything just in case we decide to go for it. The SW said they could count our meeting as the first interview of the home study if we decide to do it.

the talk

So I managed to get Kevin at a good time and I asked him what he thought our next step should be. Of course he tried to defer to me and my feelings and wishes, but I stood my ground. I told him that irregardless of me, in his heart, what did he want to do. After a while he finally admitted to me that he wants to keep trying as long as we have options. Dr. Grrr seems to think we'll be more successful if we can produce more follicles(2-3) each cycle. If it works, Kevin wants to try it out for a few months. So I called Dr. Grrr and told him to call in the order for the BCP, Lupron & HMG. We are in for another round.
On Tuesday I got a call from my Tia D in San Diego. I get occasional texts/emails from her about myGramma, cousins or uncle, but she doesn't usually call. So when I answered, she told me that she had just sent me an important email. I check my email and she had forwarded me an email from a coworker of hers about an adoption attorney in PA that she used to adopt two babies (single adoptions about a year apart). The last adoption took place in February and they had just hired him in October. Four months! Wow! So I gave him a call and we talked for a while about what services he offers, agency vs. private adoption, costs and procedures. He sound very positive and relayed the fact that he and his wife had adopted both his sons. He emailed me a few documents including a legal agreement. I then called my Tia's coworker but had to leave a voicemail. She hasn't called me back yet, so I'll try again tonight.
I had to bring it up with Kevin because with him wanting to do another round, I didn't know what this did to the adoption plans. But when I brought it up, Kevin agreed that we could start the home study at least (it's valid in VA for 3 years) and then once we know what this cycle is going to do, become more aggressive in pursuing adoption. I told him that I wanted to adopt even if we could have kids on our own, so that we don't have to stop TTC if we did adopt. He was reluctant but agreed that it might be the way we have to build our family.
So today is day two of our break. My next appt with Dr. Grrr is on the 24th. What the heck am I going to write about until then?

Body Says: It's Time for a Break!

It seems that AF found me after all. Sunday morning there she was, ready to greet me as I greeted the new day. It's official now, I had an 14 day LP. Go me. I was actually alright with it and went about the morning activities like normal. Then at breakfast myMom asked me about it. Last year when I started going to the doc more often, I told her about my having PCOS and that if I wanted to get pregnant that we would have to get it under control. We talked about it a bit and since then she's asked a few times if the medicine was working yet. Well Sunday morning when she asked me, I just burst into tears and told them everything, the medication, injections, and results. The fact that we were now pursuing adoption. They were upset, but I'm sure more concerned about me. I didn't really mean to tell them like that or right then, but when they asked it just all sort of came out. As I was leaving for the airport, myMom gave me a nice long bear hug and myDad reminded me that none of this is my fault and that I shouldn't blame myself.
Yesterday I had an appt with Dr. Grrr. Even though I was done, I wanted to go in and see about medications (BCP/Provera) I should take just to keep me regular. He wanted to do an u/s though and when we did, we found a 15mm cyst on the left ovary. So even if I wanted to keep going, I have to take a break. After the u/s we had a meeting in his office. He told me that he has no idea what's up with me. He doesn't think I have PCOS. He thinks the GYN just told me that because I'm overweight and I have irregular periods. But from what he's seen, he's pretty sure I don't. He said that for a 31 year old, taking as much of the HMG that I'm taking for as long as I take it, I should be producing lots and lots of follicles. In normal patients when this happens it's usually some form of poor ovarian reserve, premature ovarian failure or early onset menopause. However my FSH levels are normal, not even slightly disturbing. Right before ovulation, my E2 levels are within normal range as well. So he's stumped. He now wants to give me Lupron. Lupron - as in what they give to IVF candidates. Lupron combined with HMG or FSH. He said I had time to decide (because of the cyst).
When I got home, I told Kevin what happened and what Dr. Grrr said. I mentioned that we would have to take a break no matter what. And then he looked slightly crest fallen. Which surprises me as I thought he was onboard with the adoption track. Guess I'm going to have a talk with him. Which is annoying only because Kevin's stock answer to any life questions like this usually is "whatever you want" (or some variation). It's like pulling teeth to get him to admit what he actually wants.

I did it

Tidbits before I leave:

• I made it to 13DPO. Two weeks ago I was skeptical that this was going to happen. But I made it. This has be the longest, most normal LP I've had. I know with all the other stuff I've been writing about, it may seem that I'm not excited about this LP, but I am! This is another step in the right direction.
• I went ahead and POAS'd today. It was a BFN. I thought about it a lot yesterday and decided I wanted to do it. Regardless of the results, I wanted to be able to find out with Kevin around and I wanted to find out before my trip. I feel more at peace now that I know. It just felt like this great weight lifted off of me. After we knew the results, Kevin decided that I tested too early and that I should have waited till Monday like he said. What the heck! He never said that! Anyways, today involves fewer trips to check if AF has arrived or not, which is a relief.
• I have this program on my iphone that allows you to have multiple tickers up and counting. Here's what my screen looks like:
  
  I'm constantly checking in only to see that lovely 13. Yes, if you could scroll down you'd see all sorts of countdowns and countups. I'm obsessed.
• Usually as soon as I find out about a pregnancy, I immediately post congrats on my blog because that's one more point for us vs. Infertility. However two pregnancies happened recently that I chose not to mention because both ladies involved were themselves hesitant about celebrating these pregnancies. So I waited. But now they both seem convinced (kinda) so to Amanda at TTC: Impatient with PCOS and Mary at A Hopeful Unicorn a big congrats from me!
• I got offered a soccer coaching gig at a big club in RVA. This club is the rival to the club I coached at for the first two years I lived here, but I'm not that worried. I'll write a post about how this came about soon but for now, yay me!
• And last but not least. Thank you all! You've been a great and loving community during this time for me. Reading your comments has been awesome and really helped. Sometimes something would happen that would make me doubt myself/this cycle/TTC and then I'd get the perfect comment that would bolster me through. Thanks!

Going for a record!

Last night when I got home I was in a weird mood. All day I had been having twinges and even though I'd been to the bathroom numerous times, there was still nothing. Kevin and I talked a bit and one of my last statements was "We should go out for dinner." He vetoed that idea, so we went downstairs and started cooking Rach-aroni-Paella (minus the shrimp cause Kevin doesn't like them). We had just started simmering the rice when all of a sudden the power went out. It flickered back on for a few seconds and then went out again. This was about 7. Outside it had been lightning and thundering, but now the wind was howling and raining and there was even hail! We waited for the power to come back on and nothing. Finally around 8 we gave up and ordered pizza. Thirty-five minutes later we had our pizza. Right as we were sitting down to eat, the power came back on. We just smiled at each other and dug in.

So it seems that I've made it to 12DPO. I'm a little nervous and a little excited. Yesterday's bad habit of going to the bathroom every hour to check has continued. So far so good. I want to be optimistic, but not over do it. Almost like if I wish too much for it, there's no way it will actually happen. Twinges continue today. Kevin talked about testing tomorrow, but I don't know. We have one test left that I could use, so we could. It's just whether I can put myself through that.

LP craziness

Two days past my average LP. I'm happy about that, but I'm still in a funk. Not helping is that the A/C at work is on the fritz. Usually our office is cold - like wearing pants and having a sweater/sweatshirt on hand even during the summer type of cold. The past two days it's been okay, not cold, but not hot either and today it has been warm! Not as warm as outside but hot enough. I don't like the heat. I know, having grown up in the deserts of west Texas and then in the tropic of Florida for 15 years, you think I would be better acclimated for dealing with the heat. And I am. When I'm in those places. But here in RVA, I like the cool-partly-cloudy-low-80s weather. So when I don't get that, I'm not a happy camper.
Yesterday I had a dentist appt. First one in 6 years! The last job I had with insurance ended in 2003, so right before my insurance ran out I went to the dentist. Well then I was self-employed and so didn't have insurance. Thank God nothing catastrophic happened during that time and I remained healthy. In 2007 I finally got insurance again, but since it had been so long, I kept putting off going back to the dentist. And finally earlier this year I forced myself to call a dentist near work for an appointment. It took 3 months to get in, but now it's over and done with and besides replacing a few fillings, I'm free till December. At the end of the appt when I was making the next appts, I thought to myself "By the time I come back for these, I'll know if I'm pregnant or not." Then I made myself stop. I can't let myself start doing things like that.
I'm getting super excited for my trip this weekend. I'm going to get to spend the whole weekend with Chicken and myParents! I fly down Friday night and Chicken is picking me up from the airport. Then Saturday is mani/pedi, shopping & a graduation party. Sunday I fly back to RVA. It's a flying visit for sure, but I'm glad I'm able to go.
This morning on the drive to work I started having these twinges. Not that bad, just sharp pains on the right side. I ovulated on the left side, so I'm not sure what it is. However, I usually only get these pains right around ovulation/right before AF arrives. Other symptoms include tender boops. This threw me off last time as I thought for sure it was a good sign. I had them until about 2 days into the new cycle. Then it stopped for 2 weeks. And reappeared around 1DPO. So I'm not so sure anymore.
Here is my thought: I'm not pregnant. Along with the twinges have been other signs that AF is going to arrive at the end of this week. If this is true, I'd rather she show up tomorrow. Cupcake (my co-worker) is taking me to work on Friday so Kevin and I are going to be rushing around at the last minute and I won't have time for a breakdown. Yes I know, I've said we're moving on to adoption, but still, this will be it for TTC. I'll be sad. And I don't want it to be while I'm down in Florida because I don't want to have to make that phone call to Kevin. And if I last till Monday, I'll be so upset, because that would have been 16DPO. So I'll make you a deal God, Thursday or preggo, okay? Ha!
Part of me wishes that this week would just be over. I want to know how it turns out. But then there's a larger part of me that likes living with this small nugget of optimism that maybe this cycle worked. It's the part of me that won't let me test early. Won't let me take my temp. Won't let me do anything that could possibly tell me that this cycle didn't work. I wish I was brave enough to POAS, just so I could know. Last summer I saw so many BFNs that I just don't think I could handle this last one. So I'll remain a coward and just wait for AF.

9DPO

Most times I know I'm not normal. But I'm wondering if I really am when it comes to the 2ww. I'm currently 9DPIUI. And 9DPO. I'm not really sure which one I should be following, but for the sake of this post I'm going to go with DPO since that's what I have the most experience with.
Right after ovulation I'm usually in full panic mode. The stress of temping for three days, praying that my temps will go up. Trying to control my sleep conditions so that my temps are more accurate. Wondering if we timed it right. Then the panic on the third day when my temps go down (usually happens, but didn't this cycle). All sorts of fears live in my brain, usually along the I-didn't-actually-ovulate thread.
Once I've confirmed that ovulation has in fact occurred I'm at my happiest. I feel like this is it. This is the cycle that is going to go right. I produced an egg, I ovulated. Yes, I did it with drugs, but maybe someday I'll be able to do it without. We did the deed when we were suppose to. This time it worked! This euphoric feeling usually lasts about 3-4 days.
And then 8DPO rolls around and I start to get nervous. 9DPO is my average LP. I start looking for signs. In everything I do. Brushing my teeth, standing up quickly, random twinges, everything odd is a sign that this cycle didn't work yet again.
But I'm here again. And tomorrow is 10DPO. If I can make it to Friday it will be a record. Heck, if I make it to Saturday, I don't know what I'm going to do. Added to that I'm traveling down to Florida again this weekend. Which adds to the whole "test/don't test" dilemma added in with a "when to test?" Yeah, I don't like the end of the 2ww. Am I alone here?

My baby is 9!

I'll try to make this fast as I only have 20 minutes left of my lunch break.

Two and a half weeks ago, on May 12th, we celebrated Dave's 9th b-day! Usually Kevin and I split celebration/gift duties, I get stuff for Les and he does the same for Dave. However, I think Dave got the shorter end of the stick because usually Kevin doesn't do much, if he remembers. Anyways, this year I wasn't able to do anything "just-in-case" because I had been in Florida the weekend prior and I was at work/BSC the day of. But when I got home from BSC, there was a surprise for Dave and me.
While I was out Kevin got Dave a cake from 3 Dog Bakery!! He remembered and drove across town while I was at my BSC to pick it up. Below is Dave's 9th birthday photo with her cake. All I can say is all those agility and obedience lessons paid off! Only once did it look like she was going to break her "wait" and try to gobble down her whole cake.
Finally she gets to have her cake!
Of course she shared with Les (maybe not willingly).
Finishing up! All in all, I think a nice birthday treat!

Technically 1 Year

A year ago today Kevin and I finally agreed to start TTC. Before our wedding, I tried to convince him that we should start trying right away (my kids and marriage rule) but he said he wanted time to adjust to being married. I was confused by his hesitation as we had already been living together for a year. More if you count that I was always over at his apartment when we lived in Ohio even though I technically lived with my Tia and Uncle. But I agreed. Then in March, I realized that if I got pregnant right away (ha!) that I would be due around Christmas 2008. Five days before that would be Mum's 60th birthday and also 2008 was a England Christmas year. So I pushed it back two months to May. Well May finally arrived and Kevin was still hesitant to start TTC. We talked about it a few times. My main argument was our advancing years and that I wanted at least 3 kids. My plan was that I would have kid #1 by 31, kid #2 by 34 and kid #3 by 36. I wanted to keep the babies on this side of my 30s rather the late 30s. Kevin's main argument was that I should lose weight before getting pregnant. He had all sorts of articles and research on the health of babies born to mothers who were overweight/obese. So for most of May we disagreed.

Then for Memorial Day we went to visit my parents. While there we had a big cook out with a bunch of my high school/college friends. One of the couples had two kids, about 4 and 5. I think watching those kids interact with me, my parents, and their parents is what made Kevin change his mind. Suddenly he was all for starting right away. Finally!

And now it's a year later and we are still TTC. Of course between January and August, I'd only had 1 visit from AF that Provera had brought on. I probably never ovulated during those months, so can I say it's been a year if getting KU wasn't even a possibility?

In August, it'll be one year since I took my first Clomid pill to help TTC, so maybe that will be when I feel it's really official.

Cycle the 8th

**After finishing this post I realized how long it is. I'm sorry! Thank you if you read all the way through. If you don't, I won't be offended.

Okay I've mentioned several times that I have always felt a calling to adopt. Before thoughts of TTC, before Kevin, heck before I grew up, I always wanted to adopt. I don't know if I innately knew that I would have trouble TTC or if God gave me a nudge to help me cope with IF, but it's always been the plan. Kevin not so much. Not that he was against adoption but he always thought of it as something you did if you couldn't have kids. So back in Jan/Feb when we went to the JFS adoption workshop and had our first appt with Dr. G, we agreed to give Dr. G a few months/cycles and if nothing happened, go ahead and start the adoption process. So in a way I've been looking forward to this cycle, if only because it means that we can move forward with adoption if it fails. That's sounds horrible doesn't it? It's just hard to give up your dreams or keep having to put them off. And for me the dream was having kids, not getting pregnant.

CD4 - Monday

I return to RIC and in my email inbox is my receipt for the HMG & HCG. $600!!! Oh. My. Goodness. That's a lot of dough. That's 3 return flights down to Florida to visit my parents. Just shy of a return flight to England. It's almost 6 months of agility lessons. For both dogs. It's a lot of money just so that I can might possibly get pregnant. And that's if it works this time. I've ovulated 4 times this year and still I'm not pregnant. I'm more than ever convinced of my calling to adopt. I feel like I'm wasting my time and money with the RE, this is not going to work. So when I get home and talk about it to Kevin, I tell him that I'm done. I'm so over these endless trips to the RE, my obsession with CM, CDs & BBT, the mounting bills, and mostly my body stubbornly refusing to produce better results with more powerful medicine. I tell him that this is the last medicated/assisted cycle. I know he's not ready for adoption, but I'll wait and when he is ready, we'll start the adoption process. He says okay and then proceeds to give me my first shot of HMG.

CD5, CD6 & CD7

Nothing major TTC-wise happened on these days. Got the shots like normal, nothing disturbing. Non-TTC wise I got in a car accident on Wednesday (CD6). Everyone was fine, no injuries. It involved one slow moving car backing out of a parking space (me) and another car cruising for a parking spot and stopping right behind said backwards-moving car. I totally didn't see the other car until I felt the crunch of the cars colliding. In moving forward back into my space, my back bumper was ripped off. I dropped off my car at the body shop on Thursday and since then, we've been a one-car family again. Except it's more annoying this time around.

CD8

My big appointment. It was scheduled for 8:30am. We were going to be able to see what twice the dosage had done for me. I show up at Dr. G's office and R greets me with a "What are you doing here?" Apparently Dr. G went on vacation early. And somehow mixed up what Friday my appt was so then the staff couldn't call me to reschedule or send me to the coverage RE's office. So after some phone calls & checking charts, it was decided that I should go see the standin RE. Whose office doesn't open till 9am and is across the river. J gets me an appt at 9:40am and I head across town. I got to see a new RE for my u/s. He found a 6mm and 9mm follicle on my left ovary and couldn't see anything on the right. I was kinda upset at this because last cycle lefty showed up early and then fizzled out. Plus nothing on the right! Anyways, he bumped me back up to 300ius HMG for the next three injections and made an appt for me on Monday. This left me in a bit of a predicament. I only had 6 vials (75iu) at home. So I call J to find out what to do and she says that she has some she can lend me but that I'll need to pick them up by noon. No problem! Today is Kevin's work from home day so he can just swing by around noon to pick them up. I call Kevin. He reminds me that I have the only car. Ugg! So I call J back even more panicked. I tell her there's no way I can travel back to their office to pick up the meds (I'm already an hour late to when I said I'd be at work) and that Kevin doesn't have a car. She suggests that she leave them in a bag with my name on it and taped to the door. I can pick them up when I get out of work (again an hour later than normal because the appt took so long). I see no other option so I agree. Hopefully nobody will swipe my meds. Then about 2pm Kevin callls. He had ridden his bike down to the office (6 miles each way) and picked up the meds so they were now safely at home. Crisis averted.

CD9 & CD10

HMG injections continue. They're getting more painful and I'm now bleeding a bit. My mail-order Rx finally come in.

CD11

This u/s (at coverage RE's office cause Dr. G is still on vacation) is scheduled for 12:20pm but the RE is late so I end up not seeing him till 12:40. He sees a 10mm and 13mm follicle on left but can't find the right. After several minutes he gives up. He has me stay on 300ius and says that he thinks that if I do an IUI, it will probably be at the weekend. However he's concerned that he can't find my right ovary so he wants me to go see Dr. G the next day (when he's back). After a whole afternoon of back and forth with J about the necessity of me coming in on Tuesday vs. Wednesday/Thursday I finally cave and agree to come in on Tuesday. I just thought it was silly because really, how much could it grow in 1-2 days if there wasn't anything there on Friday. But whatever.

CD12

I show up to Dr. G's office armed with my HMG (to replenish the office meds). When Dr. G figures out that I just saw the RE the previous day, he asks "What are you doing here today then?". Grrr. So u/s again and lefty has a 15mm follicle and righty (after a bit of looking!) has a 9mm follicle. 300ius for the next two days and I should come back on Thursday. I know they're trying to stay on top of this follicle situation, but seriously, I. have. work! That evening when I'm about 5 minutes away from home (and 30 minutes away from work) I realize I've left my HMG in my desk drawer. I rush back to work and then home, arriving an hour and fifteen minutes past my normal time for my injection. I end up missing the BSC baby shower for one of the ladies. Worst of all I subject my BSC & CISG buddy, S, to being there alone because I have no way of getting ahold of her to tell her I'm missing the class. Here I was looking forward to her being there with me because we could deal together and I abandon her. Luckily she forgave me when she found out what happened.

CD13

HMG still painful and bleeding. What the heck is Kevin doing?

CD14

My appt was at 11:30 originally but J called and asked me to come in 15 minutes early. I show up by 11:20 and there are two people in the waiting rooms as well as the exam rooms full. Seems Dr. Grrr (his new nickname!) is running late and has an office full of patients. At noon (when I told work I'd be back) I'm finally shown to an exam room and it takes another 10 minutes before Dr. Grrr shows up. Lefty is sporting an 18mm! Dr. Grrr says I'm ready and that I can trigger that night and have an IUI on Saturday. He comments again how I only produced 1 follicle even though we doubled the meds. According to him I should have follicles everywhere! Hello what about the fact that I have a 18mm follicle on CD14 when that usually doesn't happen till CD20 or so? Anyways, I'm a bit nervous about triggering 2 days before the IUI so I wait until right before midnight to get the HCG.

CD15

No more regular injections! Plus it's Friday! Plus I didn't ovulate (for once a good thing)!

CD16

Kevin goes in for his pre-appt at 8am and then comes home. We watch a bit of TV and then head to coverage RE's office (the same one I saw on Monday) for our noon apppt. IUI was painless, but uncomfortable. About 20 minutes after the procedure we were sent home. The RE said I could go back to normal activity. Pssshaw! I took a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day and took the rest of the day way easy.

CD17, CD18, & CD19

BBTs are up which means I ovulated on Saturday. Awesome!

CD20

Today. I'm also 4DPIUI and 4DPO. Kevin keeps saying that DPIUI stands for dots per inch-user interface. Oh that funny guy! Tomorrow is the HCG booster (5000ius) to help my LP. As of right now it's the last shot ever.

It's good to be back

I didn't intend to take a break from blogging, it just kind of happened. First things first, I'm fine. Things have been busy at home and there's a cube-stalker at work, so I've had to force myself to get out of the habit of posting on my blog and checking and commenting other's blogs at work (always on my breaks of course!). This week is going to be slow -- I'm in the 2ww now, my show's series/season finales have all aired, BSC is done & indoor soccer is on a between season break -- so I'm hoping to catch up.

Alright, let's get started with what's been happening over the past two weeks:

The shower weekend was great! I flew down on Saturday, got picked up by the parents, went food shopping, got mani/pedis with Chicken and her future MIL & SIL & then went to mass with the parents. Literally one after the other. Next I went home and worked on shower stuff. Pita (Chicken's sister) came over around 9:30 pm to set up/decorate. She was suppose to be by around 6pm with her mom but something happened (wasn't explained to me) and she ended up not coming over till much later sans mom. Other than food my big shower projects were the blanket, crocheted mini-rattle swag (as a party favor), and corsages for Chicken and grammas-to-be.

• I actually finished the blanket two weeks prior, I just had to finish off the beginnings and ends. 80 squares x 2 = I didn't get it done on time. When I gave one to Wiki's BFF at her shower, the blanket got passed around and fondled by everyone and I didn't want anyone to see it unfinished so I didn't give it to Chicken at the shower. I showed it to her after (her future MIL gave her one at the shower that she had someone else make for her) so that she could see it, but I've brought it back with me to finish off. Yeah, 2w later and I still haven't finished it! This week!
• Originally I was going to make the rattle swag in four colors - purple, pink, yellow & white, but I ran out of time. I only did pink and purple. I got myMom and myDad involved in making the bows and finishing off the beginnings/ends for me. I did have a few left over though, so good thing I didn't make all four colors!
  
• We got Chicken an orchid corsage and attached various ribbons and rattles to it. Then we bought some baby socks, rolled them up to make little rose/flower buds for the grammas-to-be corsages. It took myMom and I about 10 false starts, but we finally found some web directions that worked and here's what we came up with.
  

Sunday started early, with me getting the burgers ready and chicken marinating. Then myMom and I drove down to church to go to myDad's Kof.C Mother's Day breakfast. Good Stuff. Afterwards we ran to walm.art to pick up last minute items, rushing to be back by 10am cause that's when the girls were suppose to arrive.

At 10:30 it was still just me and myMom. BFF A had gotten lost and Pita was somewhere between her house and mine (a 45 minute trip one way) having not left until about 10am. They finally arrived around 10:45 so we had a few minutes to finish the decorating & set up. Most of the guests arrived within the first 15 minutes. Unfortunately Chicken's future MIL wasn't one of those and as she was bringing the drinks & chips, we had water & only a veggie tray for the first 45 minutes of the party. But it was fine, everyone was talking/mixing and I think the J (the baby daddy) was the only one who noticed the lack of appetizers.

Being in charge of the food was awesome. It kept me busy and while I was able to say hi to everyone, I couldn't get caught in deep conversation (past 2 or 3 questions) because I always had to get back to the prep. I missed most of the games and I think for a while Chicken was getting annoyed, but really it kept me from thinking about the reason everyone was there. Finally everyone ate, all the games were over and it was time to open gifts. I was fine almost the whole time, J's family were all really nice and loved to make fun of him because he wasn't always sure what things were (he once called a matching bloomer a "cute hat"). Honestly it wasn't until the end of the gift opening that I got teary-eyed so I went to the bathroom and let myself go for a minute or so and then got back to the party. I had to concentrate hard on not seeming upset, but thankfully the party was breaking up at that point. Chicken stayed a few extra hours to hang out (and try to beat myDad at poker - her obsession) and then she left.

Afterwards my parents and I went to go see St.arTr.ek. It was awesome! I've always been a tre.kkie, along with my whole family. I was excited to see the film especially with my parents. Kevin says he wants to go see it, but he'll never actually pay to go to the movies to watch it and I wanted to see it on the big screen. Anyways, I thought it was really good but I did have one issue with one subplot. In not wanting to give away spoilers I won't mention it here, but if you want to discuss, just email me.

I flew home on Monday morning, making the drive straight in to work. My indoor game got cancelled so I was able to go home and go to sleep. I needed it!

Okay, this is enough for today, I'll be back tomorrow, I promise! And just to make sure you come back tomorrow I'll update you all on our 8th (and possibly last) cycle of TTC.

Ohio, not Florida

Six months ago I thought I would be in Ohio this weekend instead of Florida. MyMom has one sister, B. Tía B has two sons D & lil G. D is 11 months older than me, lil G about 3 years younger. Growing up, D & lil G spent most of their years in Germany. They finally moved back to the states, to Georgia, when I was in the 8th grade. The following year myMom, myDad, Wiki, Grandma, Grandpa and I moved to Florida. My grandparents were always wanting to go visit D & lil G (they never got to see them while they were in Germany) so Wiki and I often tagged along. Right before Senior year of HS, they moved again and then kept moving every year or so (Uncle G was in the Ai.r F.orce). They finally settled down in Ohio.
Anyways, back in 2004, Tía B called and said that lil G was getting married. Then a few months later she called to say that he wasn't getting married anymore. A few months after that, she called to say that lil G had gotten his new girlfriend pregnant and the first grandchild was going to be born in February of 2005. J was born and plans for marriage were put in place, but nothing really materialized. They had an off and on relationship that finally collapsed right around the time that I got married. Wait, there's more!
In the summer of 2008, Tía B called and said that lil G was getting married. His new fiancée wanted to get married in the church and so they wouldn't be getting married until the first weekend in May 2009. Well fast forward to January and myMom calls Tía B to check on some things before booking her flights and Tía B tells her that there isn't going to be a wedding in May. Not because they've broken up, but because lil G's fiancée is pregnant. She's due in August 2009 and so wants to have the wedding after the pregnancy & birth.
My mom sends me an email to let me (and the rest of the family) know. When I got this email, I was like "Wow!" I was in the beginning of a new cycle, just having come off an anovulatory 45CD cycle. Also, I had just learned that Chicken was pregnant (obviously you can tell which affected me more).
These were the first pregnancy announcements that came with a stab of pain since now I was dealing with infertility. Since then, I've been trying to figure out how I should deal. This is my conclusion.
I believe that God has a plan for me. It is His plan and the best plan. I trust in His plan. I believe that God wants me to be a mother, but how He will make me a mother, I have no clue. All those women who get pregnant, whether by choice or by accident, are just women who happened to get pregnant. Just because they got pregnant doesn't mean that I will not have kids one day. Those lives/souls were never meant for me, so how can I mourn the lost "opportunity" when it was never mine to begin with? Does it hurt when I find out about it? Yes. Does the start of each new cycle cause pain. Yep, but it's okay. Because I trust in His plan for me. I trust that I will be a mother one day.

⁸"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD.
⁹"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
¹⁰"For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
And do not return there without watering the earth
And making it bear and sprout,
And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;
¹¹So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth;
It will not return to Me empty,
Without accomplishing what I desire,
And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.
                Isaiah 55:8-11

It is Cycle #8's turn

That's right, today is CD1. It was kind of a shock, but not really. I'm finding that the more cycles I have, the better I am at spotting when AF is going to come. Sounds funning coming from a 31-year-old, doesn't it?
Last week I prepared my RE for the fact that I was going out of town this weekend and this was going to be the weekend that AF would come if I wasn't KU. So when I called them, they were totally good with me coming in today. It was funny because when the doctor confirmed that AF was visiting, his answer was "That sucks." Ha!
So plan for next cycle: I'm gonna start the injections on Monday. He said I could do Sunday, but I don't want to have to get my dad to do it. That's just wrong. So we're starting HMG on CD4. Because last cycle's results weren't so hot, Dr. G wants to do 300ius for two days and then 225ius for two more days. Last cycle was 150ius so this is quite a jump!
Also, we're going to use another 5,000ius of HCG as LP support. If I ovulated on Friday, then that means that I have a 13 day LP. Which is good, because it's the longest one I've had, but Dr. G would still like it to be 14 days. If I ovulated on Tuesday then my LP was 9 days. Which is average for me and a worse situation.
I had a friend from my CISG tell me about this vitamin called Op.tivite that is suppose to be awesome at extending your LP. I'm currently in the middle of my Who.le Foo.ds PN vitamins but as soon as I'm done with them, I'm switching! I'll try anything! Yes, I've even got a box of flax seed at home. I've not used it yet, but it might become a staple in my diet.
Tomorrow I leave for Florida for Chicken's shower! I'm so excited, but not really excited about all the things I have to do before the shower.

Movin' On Up

Last night was Dave and Les' first Level 6 agility class. This is a big step because it's the first time that they do their agility stuff outdoors. Lots of new smells, new textures and new things. Who wants to do the same obstacles. I didn't get to go because of my soccer game so Kevin took them. He said they did really well.
While there, he sees a notice that the rates for agility are going up. Right now we pay about $60 per dog per month. 2 classes a week, so about $6-$7.5 per class. Really not that bad because I use to pay $10 per class when Dave was younger. But now they're only going to let us come to class once a week. That's $12-$15 a class. Which sucks! Oh, we can pay almost double of that and get to go to as many classes a week as wanted, but really, who needs more than two classes a week? I've already told Kevin to prepare himself for the fact that after the dogs get back from Florida that we might not pick back up again. We're paid up until right before they leave. I'm sorry, I love my dogs, but there's no way I'm paying 240 bucks a month for them to jump around and sniff.

...Outta Mind

Dr. G doesn't like using FF so he has me transfer my temps to these charts he has. I could just bypass FF, but I like having instant access that I can play around with. Anyways, today I was transferring the temps over and seeing those good temps made me smile inside. Which was good, because all day I keep thinking that I'm having pre-AF cramps. There's this general heaviness that usually happens the couple of days before AF arrives. So far 10DPO (which just happens to be today) is my average LP, but I did have a 12DPO once. I am so glad I haven't been bbting. Although I do admit I went through Kevin's usual hiding spots to see if I could find where he hid my thermometer. It was a moment of weakness! I'm glad I didn't find it! But now I need to figure out his new hiding spot. On principle of course.

Outta Sight...

Friday morning I woke up to a with a fantastic BBT. I also woke up with a tickle in my throat. I immediately panicked about the tickle because I cannot get sick for a third time while TTC! Seriously being sick without being able to take nyquil is the worst! Kevin has been nursing a sore throat/runny nose for the past week or so and I was not going to catch it! Luckily since that morning that tickle hasn't come back. Whew!
So with my fantastic BBT on Friday, that meant that FF could confirm ovulation. Of course, it thought I had ovulated on Tuesday instead of last Friday. I just pushed it back to Friday. Not that it matters, I can't test till next Tuesday anyway per Kevin's request that I only test when he's around. I've also decided that I'm not temping for the rest of the 2ww. Isn't it amazing how much a good temp gives you hope? How you're floating on a cloud with "proof" that you might be pregnant? Yeah, that's where I was Friday morning. And you know what? I liked that feeling. I don't want it to go away. So I told Kevin to hide my thermometer and I removed my chart from the blog. Outta sight, outta mind, right? At least I know I won't be obsessing about it and clicking the link all the time. It's not like it's going to change between now and then. Also falling temps during this week always depresses me and I don't want to be upset before my trip this weekend. I want to be in a good mood until next Tuesday.