Saturday, May 9, 2009

Ohio, not Florida

Six months ago I thought I would be in Ohio this weekend instead of Florida. MyMom has one sister, B. Tía B has two sons D & lil G. D is 11 months older than me, lil G about 3 years younger. Growing up, D & lil G spent most of their years in Germany. They finally moved back to the states, to Georgia, when I was in the 8th grade. The following year myMom, myDad, Wiki, Grandma, Grandpa and I moved to Florida. My grandparents were always wanting to go visit D & lil G (they never got to see them while they were in Germany) so Wiki and I often tagged along. Right before Senior year of HS, they moved again and then kept moving every year or so (Uncle G was in the Ai.r F.orce). They finally settled down in Ohio.
Anyways, back in 2004, Tía B called and said that lil G was getting married. Then a few months later she called to say that he wasn't getting married anymore. A few months after that, she called to say that lil G had gotten his new girlfriend pregnant and the first grandchild was going to be born in February of 2005. J was born and plans for marriage were put in place, but nothing really materialized. They had an off and on relationship that finally collapsed right around the time that I got married. Wait, there's more!
In the summer of 2008, Tía B called and said that lil G was getting married. His new fiancée wanted to get married in the church and so they wouldn't be getting married until the first weekend in May 2009. Well fast forward to January and myMom calls Tía B to check on some things before booking her flights and Tía B tells her that there isn't going to be a wedding in May. Not because they've broken up, but because lil G's fiancée is pregnant. She's due in August 2009 and so wants to have the wedding after the pregnancy & birth.
My mom sends me an email to let me (and the rest of the family) know. When I got this email, I was like "Wow!" I was in the beginning of a new cycle, just having come off an anovulatory 45CD cycle. Also, I had just learned that Chicken was pregnant (obviously you can tell which affected me more).
These were the first pregnancy announcements that came with a stab of pain since now I was dealing with infertility. Since then, I've been trying to figure out how I should deal. This is my conclusion.
I believe that God has a plan for me. It is His plan and the best plan. I trust in His plan. I believe that God wants me to be a mother, but how He will make me a mother, I have no clue. All those women who get pregnant, whether by choice or by accident, are just women who happened to get pregnant. Just because they got pregnant doesn't mean that I will not have kids one day. Those lives/souls were never meant for me, so how can I mourn the lost "opportunity" when it was never mine to begin with? Does it hurt when I find out about it? Yes. Does the start of each new cycle cause pain. Yep, but it's okay. Because I trust in His plan for me. I trust that I will be a mother one day.

8"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD.
9"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
10"For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
And do not return there without watering the earth
And making it bear and sprout,
And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;
11So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth;
It will not return to Me empty,
Without accomplishing what I desire,
And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.
                Isaiah 55:8-11


A said...

Really great post...especially "Just because they got pregnant doesn't mean that I will not have kids one day. "!!! It's something that I should remember this mother's day weekend!!

Amanda said...

Yeah, but it's still annoying how much so many people take their fertility for granted.

Good passage choice. The only thing that scares me is that God's plan for me is not to be a mother... I would hope that if that is his intention he would cure this desire in me cause it is very painful.

Anonymous said...

Beautifully put. It's great that you can have times of clearly seeing your IF in this positive light to ease some of the pain of the dark times. I hope the weekend wasn't painful for you.

mushroommommy said...

God Bless you. I just wanted you to know that people you don't know are praying for you.

Amanda said...

Just checking up on you, it's been a while. Wanted to make sure everything is going alright.