14 Months

GV is 14 months today! I use to be one of those women who didn't get the whole counting your child's age in months instead of years but now I totally get it.  Fourteen months is so different than 13 months. And 16 months  is probably going to be so different from now.

GV has finally started crawling. Of course he didn't start crawling till he was already walking. That's right, my kid walks! It's so fun seeing him get around and not be frustrated by not being able to get something or be able to explore.  He started walking two weeks after his first birthday.  For a while he had been walking along furniture and walls but then one evening Kevin was loading the dishwasher and GV loves the dishwasher so he let go of the wall and took two steps towards it. I was so shocked that I couldn't even get the words out to tell Kevin to look around the island so he could see him.  By the time I did get the words out GV had fallen.  But later that evening he did it again walking away from Kevin. The timing worked out perfectly because GV and I were going out of town with Wiki for a week and a half and I was so afraid that we would be gone when GV started walking. When we came back he was already pretty steady on his feet so he was taking 5 or 6 steps. I think because he never was good at crawling he mastered walking faster. By 13 months he looked like he had been walking for 2-3 months rather than just one.

GV doesn't like eating. Or doesn't like sitting and eating.  Usually the only way I can get him to eat is by feeding him while he's walking around or playing.  And we've been suffering in the vegetables department.  He was such a great eater and then right after his birthday he started not liking certain veg and then not liking any.  Right now I've got him back on carrots and usually sweet potato. It's like introducing it all again but this time to a child that can spit it out instead of just eating it and making the disgusted face.  We were up to 5-6 tbsp of baby cereal in the mornings and now if I can get him to eat 3 tbsp I'm lucky. Most times it's just 2.  I've resorted to giving him a daily multivitamin. And mac and cheese. Anything just to get something in him.

I'm still BFing GV in the morning and at night. During the day he drinks whole milk. But we've decided to wean him this month so that by 15 months he's done. And then at 16 months we're going to start TTC#2. After a horrible start to BFing both GV and I adjusted really well. I'm really loathe to give it up.  It's such a special time and he's still my baby while we do it. Once we stop it's like he'll fully be a toddler. An exciting time but also the baby time is gone. I'm not sure how long it will take to have another baby but I would like GV to have a sibling so knowing my body we'll need to start sooner rather than later.

I'm going to try to update more often. I hope. Time's not the issue mostly it's just lack of things to say that aren't GV related. And I'm sure that's not all that you want to read about. If I have any readers left...

A Garden View Weekend

Friday

Last night I didn't get a restful sleep. I kept waking up flipping between taking the test and not taking the test. I didn't know if I could stand seeing another BFN. Plus Kevin said that AF always arrived either the day I tested or the day I was going to test. But I needed to know, so eventually I decided to test.

Kevin stayed in bed when I got up. The dollar store test comes with a little dropper instead of being able to hold it midstream. I collected, I dropped 4 drops and then I waited. And waited and waited and then magically that beautiful 2nd line suddenly appeared.
I immediately burst into tears while thanking God. Then I was fraught with indecision about how to tell Kevin. I mean he knew what I was doing in the bathroom so it's not like I could have just pretended that I hadn't. So I took the test and walked calmly to his side of the bed. I turned on the lamp and showed it to him. Right after he looked at it, he looked at me and I practically shouted "It's positive!"

That whole morning we were floating around the house. We talked about babies and plans. I tell Kevin that I think I am 15dpo cause I think I ovulated on CD19. While we were in Egypt. He starts calling the baby GV. For Garden View - the hotel we stayed at in Egypt had two options: Pyramid view or Garden view. We were assigned the Garden View.Which as you can see was actually a view of a concrete slab, some gross "ponds", dirt and then a bustling major road. Anyhoo, it was an awesome morning.

I called Dr. Grrr as soon as I got to work and they eventually called me back around 8:30. Since it was Friday they're only open a half day so J2 wanted me to get my Beta/P4 blood draw as soon as possible and they would mark it STAT so that hopefully they'd get the results before they closed at noon. I went to the nearest lab and waited impatiently. Finally around 9am my name was called. I got to sit in the room for another 10 minutes and finally someone came in. But I had forgotten to bring my insurance card and so they didn't know if they could do anything. There was some consulting and finally they said they'd do it. I confirmed J2 had sent the order STAT and then went back to work. At 11:50 J2 called me to say that they still hadn't gotten my results but that she'd leave a note for Dr. G. Hopefully if he came into the office he would check for it and call me with the results.

I never got a call. I figured no news was good news right? If there had been any red flags, he would have called right away, right!?!

Saturday

The morning started like yesterday morning. Me racing into the bathroom to POAS. I told Kevin I needed to check that I was still pregnant. It came up positive again.Yay! I had a tournament this weekend so I had no time to sit around the house today. I was out of the house by 7:30 am and out pretty much all day.

Today are when fears of miscarriage, chemical pregnancies and ectopic pregnancies first appeared. The cramps/twinges/pressure have continued. I'm waivering back and forth on whether this pregnancy is "real". I thought it would be so easy once I saw that BFP. But it's not. I'm still worried and I'm still cautious. How did it work? We've done expensive injectibles, triggers and IUIs and have failed every time. How did Clomid, no trigger and normal se.x work when it didn't work last year. Was it the self-prescribed Baby Aspirin? Then I freak out about that. Should I have told Dr. Grrr about it?

Sunday

Another soccer game to coach. My team hasn't been doing too well. We've not scored a goal all weekend. We are missing our main offensive playmaker so that's most likely it. Not because I've been distracted by all my pregnancy thoughts.

I took another pregnancy test in the morning. Another BFP!Although I freak out about how it's not getting as dark as fast as it did the previous days. I get home around 11 am and I am starving! I'm starving all the time now. Also I've been peeing up a lake. And the boops have gotten tender. I'm not any sleepier than I usually am during a tournament weekend. I research what I can eat on the internet and settle for cheerios for lunch. Yeah, we're not prepared at all.

After my afternoon nap I have to pee again. When I wipe there's slightly pink EWCM on the TP. I freak. I think my heart stopped in my chest. Of course I wipe furiously a couple (or 10) more times with new TP and nothing else comes up. I start checking every half hour and when I'm doing the weekly grocery shopping it stays in the back of my mind. Kevin is up in DC climbing with friends so it's just me and the dogs at home freaking out. Okay, so just me freaking out.

Monday

Finally Monday! I planned to call Dr. Grrr as soon as the office opened at 8:30 but break down and leave a message at 7:59. J2 calls me at 8:33. All excited and congratulating me. I ask for the results and she says "Didn't Dr. Grrr call you?" I tell her no so she looks up the results. Beta was 768 and P4 20.3. She said those were great numbers, kinda high for 15dpo but good nonetheless. I ask if I should get a second beta done and she says that they usually don't do a second one. I tell her about my continued cramping. Then I tell her about the pink EWCM yesterday and she asks if I've had anything else since then. I tell her no. Dr. Grrr isn't in today but he usually calls after getting the beta results so he'll probably call me tomorrow. If he's concerned he'll ask me to come in then. Grrr. Oh and they don't do an u/s until 18 days past a BFP. What!?! That's not till the 27th! I made the appt, but I'm considering calling and asking for the Thursday/Friday before.

According to the "pregnancy starts with AF" theory I'm currently 5 weeks 1 day. I'm 4 weeks 4 days if I go by my CD19 ovulation theory. However since getting the beta results I'm wondering if I'm farther along than I first thought. Could I have possibly ovulated on CD 15/16? I soooooo hate not knowing. Isn't it funny the things that will bug you? I mean, we're only talking about four days, but it's really bugging me.

If I wait till the 27th I'll be 7 weeks 2 days at the u/s. If I can go the Friday before then I'll be 6 weeks 5 days. Either way, we should have a heartbeat and I hope then that I can breathe a little easier if there is one. Please GV have a heartbeat.

CD33

***I tried to post this last Thursday but for some reason it didn't post. So here it is finally...***

Last Saturday when we were getting ready to leave for the soccer game/trip to Savannah, I wondered if I should pack supplies for AF's visit. On Friday I started getting cramps/twinges/pressure and so thought that she was going to arrive on Saturday or Sunday. I decided to risk it and go unprepared. Well AF never showed, the PMS symptoms continued. So Monday I decided to to take a BBT. 98.65°! The highest bbt I've ever had!! I was so psyched! Then Tuesday I took another bbt and 98.4°. Not as good as Monday, but still a solid post-o temp. Wednesday morning it was 98.2°. Hmmm. So enough to confirm ovulation (based on usual pre and post O temps), but I don't know when I ovulated so I have no idea what day of my LP I'm on. However, I looked back at my past charts and this seems to be the usual post-O pattern before AF starts. The cramps/twinges/pressure have continued so I've started taking supplies with me to work.

Tonight there was a lot of down time at agility so I started thinking... I usually ovulate on CD17-21. Later when I don't have a HCG trigger. So CD22 + 12 day usual LP is CD34. No AF yesterday. No AF today. Tomorrow will be CD34 and it's highly unlikely that I ovulated later than CD24. So I broke down and decided to stop by the dollar store for a few tests. Nothing crazy. Just three to make it through the weekend. Kevin was suspicious when I said I was making a stop before I got home. I told him yesterday about my ovulation confirmation, but I don't think he knew we were near possible POAS.

Vacation Side Effects

It's because I'm going on vacation. I know it is. Two weeks from right now I'll be on a boat in Istanbul probably crashed out and wanting to sleep forever. Either that or be so hyped up that neither jet lag nor a 33 hour day is going to convince my brain that it's now 10:30pm and not 3:30pm. Anyhoo, I know the reason I've been so busy (and will continue to be till the day I leave) is because I'm going on vacation. Work is busy, agility is busy, soccer is busy...I got an invitation to join the Fall BSC and I don't think I can do it. I want to, but it means another evening away from home when I already spend most of my evenings away from home. I've got a little while to decide so we'll see.

Sooooooo, last Tuesday R from Dr. Grrr's office called me. She was calling to settle up my account and I happened to mention that I was on CD29 with no sign of ovulation or AF. I might have mentioned that I had some leftover Provera from that one cycle. She talked to Dr. Grrr and called me back. They thought it would be a good idea for me to take the Provera just so that I didn't go 2 months without a cycle.

Wednesday I called R back. See, I read A's post where she mentioned that since she can't get monitored she's doing Clomid for another month. Then I thought "Hey, maybe I could do the same thing." Clomid worked to get me to ovulate, even if I had to take 150mg. I talked to R and explained that we were planning on starting up again in October (which was true) but that we might be interested in TTCing in September though. And how I was going on vacation so I couldn't do injectibles (which I have decided are a waste of money for me) but that maybe I could do 5 days of 150mgs Clomid. She talked to Dr. Grrr and called me back. I was a go!

Tonight is my last night of Provera (I only had 8 pills left — I took one when I got the Rx, don't ask me where the other one went). Hopefully AF will show up on Monday — totally selfish here, but can I tell you how grateful I am that it worked out that AF will be here next week instead of the week after?!? Thank you GOD! — and so Clomid will be the end of next week and peak ovulation time will be while I'm on the cruise! Who knows what will happen on a honeymoon cruise in the Mediterranean. ;P

What could it hurt?

I'm seriously considering calling Dr. Grrr and asking for a looky-see at my ovaries. I *think* I might have something on the right ovary, but so far I haven't had any other signs of impending ovulation. It's only CD15 and even with meds, I don't usually ovulate till at least CD17. My bbts have been weird, higher than normal but not high enough for ovulation. I know I said Kevin and I were stopping TTC but I still have this need to track everything.

TGIF...Wait! Already?!?

I cannot believe it's Friday already. Yesterday when Cupcake reminded me it was Thursday I was shocked. But it's Friday. It's also CD4.
Tuesday after lunch I found out that Cycle #9 was a bust. I was upset, cried a few tears in the bathrooom, but then got back to work. The hardest part was going to agility after work because I knew, but Kevin didn't. I was more upset about having to tell Kevin that it didn't work than I was about it actually not working. He was so vocal and optimistic this cycle. When I did tell him once we got home he admitted to me that he was hoping for a BFP for his birthday. It broke my heart.
We have decided to take a break from TTC. We might start again in October, but for now, we're going to focus on adoption. Our homestudy appt on Wednesday went well. My individual interview went really long because our SW realized that morning that she hadn't gotten my autobiography. So it ended up being about an hour long. The couples interview was next and it was pretty short so I got out of there around 10am. Kevin's individual interview was about 20 minutes. The SW said that all our paperwork and clearances are in and everything cleared. So now we're waiting on our reference letters to come in. My friends tend to be procrastinators (like me) so I sent them all a text message reminding them that we had our appt and that the letters would be the last thing. I'll email them next week again. I don't want to be THAT friend that nags you when she's asked you for a favor but seriously, it's all our approval is contingent on. Get it in people!
About an hour after I found out about the failure of cycle #9, that lawyer I mentioned before called me. About a week after getting in touch with him, I called him again and told him that we were probably going to go with someone local but that we would keep him in mind in case we changed our mind. Well Tuesday he called to say that he's got a couple of birthmothers that he's getting ready to match up and wanted to give us a chance to be considered. Of course to be considered we'd have to pay him a retainer ($6,000) and that doesn't even guarantee that we'd get picked. It seems a bit much to me but our SW told us that's the norm when dealing with adoption attorneys. Kevin is still hesitant to use him because of what we learned on the internet about him (not good stuff). But then my Tia's co-worker swears by him and even went back a second time because she was so happy with the first. I'm going to try to call her again this weekend. Last time I never actually got a hold of her.
J's special mass is this weekend so it's off to exciting, exotic Trenton. But I'm really looking forward to seeing my cousin T. About a year or so ago, she had brain surgery to remove a tumor. J shaved his head bald when she did to show his support of her. RR told me that she's doing a lot better but I'm glad to be able to see her.

And now for a pick me up. Kevin was working from home on Wednesday and so he got to observe Dave & Les doing what they do when we're not there.

12DPIUI

Kevin and I had a good weekend. I convinced him on Saturday to go clothes shopping for him. And a few items for me. I used the excuse of getting him clothes for his birthday as well as clothes for the cruise to get him to go. I use to hate shopping with him. We'd make a list of all the stores we would need to go to and then we'd get to the first store and he'd complain that he had a headache and was tired and wanted to go home. Yes, this is my husband, not my three year old child. It got to the point that other than the grocery store and S.am's Cl.ub, I refused to go anywhere with him. But he's gotten a better attitude and I've gotten better at stragegically planning the trips. Like I always end the trip with a visit to K.ohl's which is Kevin's favorite department store. He'll go in there and come out with at least 3 or 4 shirts for work. Even if he doesn't NEED any new ones. Strangely, they are a weakness for him.

So I shaped up pretty good at taking my bbts this cycle. I got in IUI day, 1DPIUI, 2DPIUI, 5DPIUI, 7DPIUI, 8DPIUI, 10DPIUI, 11DPIUI and today. IUI, 1DPIUI, & 2DPIUI were normal, with normal ovulation shifting temps, but then on 5DPIUI there was a huge jump and I started to get excited. These temps were the highest of any temps I've ever gotten since I started charting last October. So last night I was looking at the pattern rather than the temps and there's not a second shift. I doubt implantation would have occured before 5DPO so I would have needed to see a second shift sometime between 5DP0 and 10DPO and there hasn't been. And then this morning my bbt plummeted. 97.93°. Still above the coverline, but I think it's on it's way down. AF will probably arrive on Wednesday or Thursday. Or maybe even tomorrow as I'm starting to feel AF/uterus pains. But I'm hoping Thursday because then that will mean another normal LP.

The other thing I've been thinking about is the twinges I've been having in the left ovary area. I looked back at the blog and realized that around 9-10DPO last cycle I was having the same thing and if I had to describe it the best description is that twinge you get before you're about to ovulate and your follies are growing. Last cycle I just dismissed it but then this cycle ended up being delayed because I had a 15mm follicle on the left side at my menses test. And this cycle I've had the same twinges around 9-10DPO so I'm thinking if we did a menses check we're prolly going to find another largish follicle.
Now I'm about 95% sure this cycle didn't work. It was the best shot we've had since we started this whole TTC thing. I've been a little emotional about it but mostly calm. I decided not to say anything to Kevin until AF shows up. Usually in the mornings he'll ask me about my temp but this morning he didn't. Maybe he can tell.

6DPUIU

Chicklet was born this morning! I got a text message from Peeta that she came out weighing 9lbs 10 oz and 20 1/4 inches long! Holy crapola, that's a big baby!

My cousin J is taking his first set of vows next weekend in Trenton, NJ. Since we live relatively close to him (the rest of our family lives in Texas), we decided to head up there for the big event. J told me his parents and two of his sisters (he's got 4) are coming. It will be good to see them all. Mostly. I don't really get on with Uncle D. I might have mentioned I was a bit of a trouble maker when I was little and somehow I always dragged RR, J's oldest sister, along with me. But I'm sure it will be fine.

Round 9 v2.0 is going well. I've been having weird pains and stuff in that lower area. Mostly on the left side, but some on the right. I'm not sure what it is. Last night Kevin gave me the HCG booster shot. It was the worst shot he's ever given me! Oh! The pain! I also haven't taken a good bbt since the morning after ovulation (thurs). Friday morning I was moving around a lot and then remembered to bbt. By that time I was way up. Sat and Sun I didn't bother. Monday morning I slept in a hour past my normal temping time so it was high again. Then I took it downstairs to record them on FF and forgot to bring it back up for this morning. Kevin offered to go get it, but I just told him not to bother. I'm going to try to get in a bbt tomorrow.

I've got to go to the dentist tomorrow to get some fillings redone. I'm tempted to reschedule. With the way irregular schedule I had last week, plus knowing that next wednesday I'm going to be late because of the homestudy, I think I should hold off on any non-necessary appointments.

Okay SPOILERS here if you haven't seen HP6 (or read HP7). Highlight from here down to the next paragraph if you've seen HP6 and want to read my take.
Overall I thought the movie was good. The kids are better actors, most of the over-acting is done by insignificant side characters (*cough*LavenderBrown*cough*) and they've gotten better at cutting out the things that don't really need to be in the movies. There were just two things I didn't like. First that Ginny was the one who hid the potions book. In the book, Harry hides it, intending to retrieve it once the heat is off and so marks the spot with a bust, wig & tiara (which we learn in HP7 is a diadem). He recalls seeing the tiara in HP7 and so knows where to get it from once he realizes what it is. If he didn't hide the potions book in the this movie, how's he suppose to remember about it in HP7? The other problem I had was that there was no Hogwarts fight scene at the end. My dad saw the movie this past weekend and as he's never read the book, he thought this one was a boring. He said it needed a fight scene. I agree. Get rid of the unneeded attack on the Burrow (Hello! Where's the escape from Privit Drive/Wedding going to take place then?) and the anachronistic bridge collapse and put in the Hogwarts skirmish. Then it would have been much better. But other than that, I didn't really mind any of the other changes and thought the movie did a good job of carrying itself, both as the 6th movie in a series and standing alone.

Sunday we celebrated the 3 year anniversary in our house! These past three years have been filled! We got engaged, got married, found ourselves battling IF. I lost a grandfather and Kevin lost both his grandparents. We hosted the inlaws with no major catastrophes. We're still trying to tame the front garden and haven't gotten grass to grow in the back yard. Oh yeah, it was filled. We went to Red L.obster to celebrate. We have friends who make fun of us, claiming that RL is not real seafood, but I remember when I was little we only ever went there for special occaisions. My birthday or Dad's. And so now, when I think of special occaisions, I always think Red Lo.bster. I always get a half order of crab legs and Kevin always gets the Alfredo Linguini with Chicken. If you can't tell, we're creatures of habit.

1DPIUI

Dr. Grrr didn't show up to my appt till 1pm. Apparently the ER he had before my appt hadn't gone very well. I could tell he was upset because he didn't have the usual edge that he normally does. I forgot to check on Kevin's numbers, but they didn't seem concerned. We even got to see the little swimmers under the microscope.
Before the IUI Dr. Grrr did an u/s and he said that he thinks one of the follicles might have already ovulated. My measurements were 21mm & 18mm on right and 17mm on left. I was a little sad when he said this (I'm not sure why) but then he said maybe not...it was all very weird, especially considering the mood he was in.
Afterwards I went home and read (laying down of course!) my latest book and then prepped dinner. Kevin got home and we cooked. We watched Eag.le E.ye which was a fun movie. Not nearly as scary as Ene.my of the S.tate.
Tonight I'm meeting some friends for a girls game night. It's crazy because the girl who is hosting it (I don't know her) lives on the other side of the creek that runs behind the houses across the street from me. Got that? Anways, her house is like 1300 ft away from my house (see google map picture) but because of that creek, the shortest street distance is 2.5 miles. I could walk to her house but the creek doesn't have a bridge or steady crossing. I'm looking forward to tonight. It will be a nice break I think.

IUI #2

I'm sitting here at work counting down the minutes till I can leave for IUI#2. Kevin's going with me but I'm meeting him there. Then I'm taking the rest of the afternoon off. I was willing to come back this afternoon, but Cupcake told me not to bother. I'll still sign in from home cause I'd feel guilty if anything came up.
Monday's u/s appt was scheduled for 3:30pm. But since my boss was leaving for a week long sales pitch trip he needed tons of collateral and sales material from us marketing people before he left at 2pm. I managed to get it all done (cause I skipped my lunch!) by the time he left and then with finishing up all the other things that needed to be done Monday, I ended up not leaving till 3:30. Luckily Dr. Grrr's office was nice and they saw me as soon as I got in (around 4pm). We did the u/s and they found a 22mm & 16 mm on the right and the 18mm on the left. Now I know the drugs are strong but somehow I don't think that follicles can grow 4mm overnight. It's always fustrating to go to the coverage RE's office because stuff like this always happen - they can't find my ovary, measure wrong, or I end up having to see Dr. Grrr the next day anyways. What's the point? Anyways, Dr. Grrr told me to trigger as late as possible on Monday night and then scheduled the IUI for 12:15 today. Pray that he can stay on schedule. He has an ER this morning so we might have to wait a bit. Hopefully not though.
One thing Dr. Grrr was concerned about was my E2 levels. From what I can find on the internet they should be around 150-200 per mature follicle. I had them checked on Friday and Sunday and they were 229 and 378 respectively. He said they weren't terrible numbers, but a bit low considering I have 3.
My bbt (yes I'm back at it again!) this morning was 97.45° which is a good pre-ovluation reading for me. Hopefully tomorrow it will rise! I wonder if it will be higher than normal because there are 3 follicles? And of course I'm freaking out that I won't have a temp rise. But I've made the decision that I'm going to temp the whole 2ww. I need some kind of hint which way things are going.
In other news, Chicklet will be here in less that a week! She's weighing approx. 7lbs 6 oz already! So they're planning on doing a c-section a week before her due date. I'm sad that I'll be missing it, although not having to be right there might be better for me psychologically. Also it's a bit of a relief that she's coming a week early. Otherwise she would be being born right around 14dpo. If I got a BFN it would be a double blow. I know, it's a bit selfish, but these are the thoughts in my head.

Sunday Morning

So this morning was planned down to a T. We woke at 6am and got ready. Then Kevin drove me to the hospital (for the E2 blood draw) and we were there by 7:20. I was the first one in and done quickly so that we were out the door by 7:35. There were already two other couples when I got out! We drove south of town near where the coverage RE's office is. However since we had an hour & 20 minute wait between we decided to go to IH.OP. It's one of Kevin & my's favorite breakfast venues. We stalled as much as possible but eventually we just made our way over to the RE's office. We got there around 8:40 and there were 2 ladies ahead of us. The RE was there but his nurse wasn't. She showed up about 10 to 9 and all three of us went into rooms. I was hoping that the other two would go quickly and that maybe I could make it to the river by 9:30 but of course that didn't happen. So I waited and waited and eventually around 9:30 they came in. Two follies on right, measuring 18mm and 15mm. Not much growth, grrr! And one on the left measuring 15mm. Sigh. The RE told me that he was going to call Dr. Grrr with his findings and that Dr. Grrr would give me a call to let me know what to do.

I started panicking at this point because I thought I was going to be triggering today! I was all out of HMG but I hadn't bothered to say anything to Dr. Grrr because he said we were going to trigger. So Kevin said he'd take my phone and when Dr. Grrr called, if he wanted me to do another night of HMG he would tell them I was out and arrange to pick up extra.

We left the RE's office around 9:40 and made it to the river by 10am and I just caught the rest of the class as they were preparing to go in the water. So all was good.

The class was awesome! If anyone lives in the RVA area, this is deffo a must do! At least once. Kevin and I are planning on going back for some play days if they can find room for us. And we're going to take an advanced kayaking course this winter. I'll write more about it later though.

Kevin and the dogs picked me up after the class and he told me that Dr. Grrr had called and wanted me to do another night of HMG. So he had to pick up the extra. He also said that Dr. Grr wanted to see me tomorrow. This was annoying as I have a busy day at work planned for tomorrow. Kevin was able to get me a later appt though so I should be able to get away. Hopefully.

I lied to Dr. Grrr

On Monday when I went to go see Dr. Grrr he asked me to come back on Thursday. I said okay and got a 3:00 appt. Then I got to work and realized what this meant. Come in late Monday, come in late Wednesday (for homestudy), leave early Thursday. So for some reason I thought it would be better if I could spread out the days more and really, how much could change by me coming in for a follie check the next morning instead?
On Tuesday I called R and told her that I had an out of town meeting on Thursday and that I wasn't going to be able to come in. At first she said it should be fine to come in Friday morning, but then suggested I come in Wednesday. I told her that I wouldn't be able to do Wednesday (because I'd be preparing for my OOT meeting) and so I got the first appt on Friday. I felt bad about lying, but what was I suppose to do? Every time I hesitate because of work, they act like I've got my priorities in the wrong order. Having a family is important to me but I need a job to afford these expensive cycles (and expensive kid eventually). Also I haven't told anyone at work what's up (I work with mainly men), they just see me coming in late, taking long lunches and going outside to talk on my cell phone. Nothing to be suspicious about. Right?
And then, at this morning's appt, R tells me that yesterday around 3PM they lost power for the rest of the day! So I would have left work early, arrived right as the power went out, waited around for nothing and then would have come in late today anyways! So see, it all worked out for the best.
So the follie check showed the two on the right measuring 15mm and 13mm. And then he looked on the right and there were only two! One was measuring 14mm and the second was 9mm. So he's not worried about the second one catching up to the other three so I'm all go for an IUI next week. Dr. Grrr said that we'll do another follie check on Sunday morning with a possible trigger Sunday night and IUI on Tuesday. Annoyingly the earliest appt available on Sunday is 9:20 am. This weekend I'm taking a Whitewater Kayaking course which runs 9am-5pm on both days. Hopefully the instructors will work with me on being late on Sunday.

CD8 appt

Today was the u/s appt with Dr. Grrr. I showed up a little early so that I could read my book so of course, I got seen right away. He found 4 small follicles (>4mm) on the left ovary and one 7.7mm on the right and one slightly smaller. I'm not happy with the results. Today is CD8. Last cycle I started HMG one day later, only had 4 doses (2 of those were only 225iu!) and came in one day earlier for an ultrasound and I had a 9mm follicle. This cycle I had 5 full doses (at 300iu) plus Lupron and all I got was four barely there follicles and two slightly larger follicles. Then Dr. Grrr starts talking to me about things I should start thinking about. He tells me that at most his guideline is for no more than twins. So with these 6 follies, he sees two possible scenarios:

1. Two mature and all goes as planned.
2. All six (or more than two mature).

If situ 2 happens, I either

1. do an IUI and selectively reduce to twins after the fact,
2. skip this cycle all together,
3. convert this cycle to IVF.

Hello! WTF! It's CD8! There's hardly anything there! What the heck are you talking about. I tell him that I won't selectively reduce and that Kevin and are uncomfortable with IVF so that if too many mature, we'll sit this cycle out. He then tells me that Kevin and I should come in for an IVF consultation to learn about our options and I again tell him that we're not doing IVF. He just looks at me like I'm being a moron. When I left his office I was so mad. I called Kevin to tell him about it and he was just as indignant.

So I've been reading up on the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops' teachings on "Reproductive Technologies". According to them there are seven "technologies" that are compatible with Catholic teachings. Looking at the list, we're doing okay. Some hiccups, but mainly okay. Then there's the list of what you can't do. The list is long but basically any procedure which adds a "third party" into the act of conception, or which substitute a laboratory procedure for intercourse, are not acceptable.

I was a little dismayed when I read up on this because we had just done our first IUI. The problem wasn't with the IUI itself, it was more the collection method. IUIs of "licitly obtained" (normal intercourse with a special cond.om) are still under discussion so I was considering asking Dr. Grrr about that. But judging from his behavior today I doubt he'd be open to it.

The last option we would have which is under discussion is Gamete intra-fallopian transfer (GIFT). Again, it's been neither approved nor dissapproved and requires a laproscopy, but at least I know I have one more option.

So knowing all this, I still think we're going to do an IUI this cycle. It's like Kevin says - If this is it, let's throw everything at it. I will find out about those con.doms though, but I'm not banking on them being an option. And if Dr. Grrr brings up IVF again, I'll bring up GIFT. Or Low Tubal Ovum Transfer (LTOT). Should be interesting.

CD1 - take two

So I'm not sure if I should still consider this Cycle #9 since AF is visiting again. Because of the cyst found a few Mondays ago (the 8th, CD2) I've been taking BCPs since that Wednesday (CD4). On the 24th, I went back to Dr. Grrr's office and got the all clear. I started the Lupron that night but didn't stop the BCPs till Saturday(CD21). Today is now CD 1 again. Lupron continues for another 4 days and HMG starts on Wednesday. My next appt is on Monday (the 6th, CD8). We'll then know if this Lupron/HMG trick is going to work.

I'm not really optimistic that these meds or this cycle are going to work. I've trying to stay positive because I firmly believe in mind over matter and I want to give Kevin his fair shot. I asked him what he wanted for his bday (a month from today!) the other day and he said a baby. I was kind of shocked by his answer, but over the past three weeks he's been displaying more and more signs that he wants to keep going, keep TTC. At $600-800 per cycle, I just feel the money would be better spent on the homestudy or an adoption attorney. It would be one thing if Dr. Grrr knew what was wrong with me, but if the best they can do is unexplained, what's the point?

the talk

So I managed to get Kevin at a good time and I asked him what he thought our next step should be. Of course he tried to defer to me and my feelings and wishes, but I stood my ground. I told him that irregardless of me, in his heart, what did he want to do. After a while he finally admitted to me that he wants to keep trying as long as we have options. Dr. Grrr seems to think we'll be more successful if we can produce more follicles(2-3) each cycle. If it works, Kevin wants to try it out for a few months. So I called Dr. Grrr and told him to call in the order for the BCP, Lupron & HMG. We are in for another round.
On Tuesday I got a call from my Tia D in San Diego. I get occasional texts/emails from her about myGramma, cousins or uncle, but she doesn't usually call. So when I answered, she told me that she had just sent me an important email. I check my email and she had forwarded me an email from a coworker of hers about an adoption attorney in PA that she used to adopt two babies (single adoptions about a year apart). The last adoption took place in February and they had just hired him in October. Four months! Wow! So I gave him a call and we talked for a while about what services he offers, agency vs. private adoption, costs and procedures. He sound very positive and relayed the fact that he and his wife had adopted both his sons. He emailed me a few documents including a legal agreement. I then called my Tia's coworker but had to leave a voicemail. She hasn't called me back yet, so I'll try again tonight.
I had to bring it up with Kevin because with him wanting to do another round, I didn't know what this did to the adoption plans. But when I brought it up, Kevin agreed that we could start the home study at least (it's valid in VA for 3 years) and then once we know what this cycle is going to do, become more aggressive in pursuing adoption. I told him that I wanted to adopt even if we could have kids on our own, so that we don't have to stop TTC if we did adopt. He was reluctant but agreed that it might be the way we have to build our family.
So today is day two of our break. My next appt with Dr. Grrr is on the 24th. What the heck am I going to write about until then?

Body Says: It's Time for a Break!

It seems that AF found me after all. Sunday morning there she was, ready to greet me as I greeted the new day. It's official now, I had an 14 day LP. Go me. I was actually alright with it and went about the morning activities like normal. Then at breakfast myMom asked me about it. Last year when I started going to the doc more often, I told her about my having PCOS and that if I wanted to get pregnant that we would have to get it under control. We talked about it a bit and since then she's asked a few times if the medicine was working yet. Well Sunday morning when she asked me, I just burst into tears and told them everything, the medication, injections, and results. The fact that we were now pursuing adoption. They were upset, but I'm sure more concerned about me. I didn't really mean to tell them like that or right then, but when they asked it just all sort of came out. As I was leaving for the airport, myMom gave me a nice long bear hug and myDad reminded me that none of this is my fault and that I shouldn't blame myself.
Yesterday I had an appt with Dr. Grrr. Even though I was done, I wanted to go in and see about medications (BCP/Provera) I should take just to keep me regular. He wanted to do an u/s though and when we did, we found a 15mm cyst on the left ovary. So even if I wanted to keep going, I have to take a break. After the u/s we had a meeting in his office. He told me that he has no idea what's up with me. He doesn't think I have PCOS. He thinks the GYN just told me that because I'm overweight and I have irregular periods. But from what he's seen, he's pretty sure I don't. He said that for a 31 year old, taking as much of the HMG that I'm taking for as long as I take it, I should be producing lots and lots of follicles. In normal patients when this happens it's usually some form of poor ovarian reserve, premature ovarian failure or early onset menopause. However my FSH levels are normal, not even slightly disturbing. Right before ovulation, my E2 levels are within normal range as well. So he's stumped. He now wants to give me Lupron. Lupron - as in what they give to IVF candidates. Lupron combined with HMG or FSH. He said I had time to decide (because of the cyst).
When I got home, I told Kevin what happened and what Dr. Grrr said. I mentioned that we would have to take a break no matter what. And then he looked slightly crest fallen. Which surprises me as I thought he was onboard with the adoption track. Guess I'm going to have a talk with him. Which is annoying only because Kevin's stock answer to any life questions like this usually is "whatever you want" (or some variation). It's like pulling teeth to get him to admit what he actually wants.

I did it

Tidbits before I leave:

• I made it to 13DPO. Two weeks ago I was skeptical that this was going to happen. But I made it. This has be the longest, most normal LP I've had. I know with all the other stuff I've been writing about, it may seem that I'm not excited about this LP, but I am! This is another step in the right direction.
• I went ahead and POAS'd today. It was a BFN. I thought about it a lot yesterday and decided I wanted to do it. Regardless of the results, I wanted to be able to find out with Kevin around and I wanted to find out before my trip. I feel more at peace now that I know. It just felt like this great weight lifted off of me. After we knew the results, Kevin decided that I tested too early and that I should have waited till Monday like he said. What the heck! He never said that! Anyways, today involves fewer trips to check if AF has arrived or not, which is a relief.
• I have this program on my iphone that allows you to have multiple tickers up and counting. Here's what my screen looks like:
  
  I'm constantly checking in only to see that lovely 13. Yes, if you could scroll down you'd see all sorts of countdowns and countups. I'm obsessed.
• Usually as soon as I find out about a pregnancy, I immediately post congrats on my blog because that's one more point for us vs. Infertility. However two pregnancies happened recently that I chose not to mention because both ladies involved were themselves hesitant about celebrating these pregnancies. So I waited. But now they both seem convinced (kinda) so to Amanda at TTC: Impatient with PCOS and Mary at A Hopeful Unicorn a big congrats from me!
• I got offered a soccer coaching gig at a big club in RVA. This club is the rival to the club I coached at for the first two years I lived here, but I'm not that worried. I'll write a post about how this came about soon but for now, yay me!
• And last but not least. Thank you all! You've been a great and loving community during this time for me. Reading your comments has been awesome and really helped. Sometimes something would happen that would make me doubt myself/this cycle/TTC and then I'd get the perfect comment that would bolster me through. Thanks!

Going for a record!

Last night when I got home I was in a weird mood. All day I had been having twinges and even though I'd been to the bathroom numerous times, there was still nothing. Kevin and I talked a bit and one of my last statements was "We should go out for dinner." He vetoed that idea, so we went downstairs and started cooking Rach-aroni-Paella (minus the shrimp cause Kevin doesn't like them). We had just started simmering the rice when all of a sudden the power went out. It flickered back on for a few seconds and then went out again. This was about 7. Outside it had been lightning and thundering, but now the wind was howling and raining and there was even hail! We waited for the power to come back on and nothing. Finally around 8 we gave up and ordered pizza. Thirty-five minutes later we had our pizza. Right as we were sitting down to eat, the power came back on. We just smiled at each other and dug in.

So it seems that I've made it to 12DPO. I'm a little nervous and a little excited. Yesterday's bad habit of going to the bathroom every hour to check has continued. So far so good. I want to be optimistic, but not over do it. Almost like if I wish too much for it, there's no way it will actually happen. Twinges continue today. Kevin talked about testing tomorrow, but I don't know. We have one test left that I could use, so we could. It's just whether I can put myself through that.

LP craziness

Two days past my average LP. I'm happy about that, but I'm still in a funk. Not helping is that the A/C at work is on the fritz. Usually our office is cold - like wearing pants and having a sweater/sweatshirt on hand even during the summer type of cold. The past two days it's been okay, not cold, but not hot either and today it has been warm! Not as warm as outside but hot enough. I don't like the heat. I know, having grown up in the deserts of west Texas and then in the tropic of Florida for 15 years, you think I would be better acclimated for dealing with the heat. And I am. When I'm in those places. But here in RVA, I like the cool-partly-cloudy-low-80s weather. So when I don't get that, I'm not a happy camper.
Yesterday I had a dentist appt. First one in 6 years! The last job I had with insurance ended in 2003, so right before my insurance ran out I went to the dentist. Well then I was self-employed and so didn't have insurance. Thank God nothing catastrophic happened during that time and I remained healthy. In 2007 I finally got insurance again, but since it had been so long, I kept putting off going back to the dentist. And finally earlier this year I forced myself to call a dentist near work for an appointment. It took 3 months to get in, but now it's over and done with and besides replacing a few fillings, I'm free till December. At the end of the appt when I was making the next appts, I thought to myself "By the time I come back for these, I'll know if I'm pregnant or not." Then I made myself stop. I can't let myself start doing things like that.
I'm getting super excited for my trip this weekend. I'm going to get to spend the whole weekend with Chicken and myParents! I fly down Friday night and Chicken is picking me up from the airport. Then Saturday is mani/pedi, shopping & a graduation party. Sunday I fly back to RVA. It's a flying visit for sure, but I'm glad I'm able to go.
This morning on the drive to work I started having these twinges. Not that bad, just sharp pains on the right side. I ovulated on the left side, so I'm not sure what it is. However, I usually only get these pains right around ovulation/right before AF arrives. Other symptoms include tender boops. This threw me off last time as I thought for sure it was a good sign. I had them until about 2 days into the new cycle. Then it stopped for 2 weeks. And reappeared around 1DPO. So I'm not so sure anymore.
Here is my thought: I'm not pregnant. Along with the twinges have been other signs that AF is going to arrive at the end of this week. If this is true, I'd rather she show up tomorrow. Cupcake (my co-worker) is taking me to work on Friday so Kevin and I are going to be rushing around at the last minute and I won't have time for a breakdown. Yes I know, I've said we're moving on to adoption, but still, this will be it for TTC. I'll be sad. And I don't want it to be while I'm down in Florida because I don't want to have to make that phone call to Kevin. And if I last till Monday, I'll be so upset, because that would have been 16DPO. So I'll make you a deal God, Thursday or preggo, okay? Ha!
Part of me wishes that this week would just be over. I want to know how it turns out. But then there's a larger part of me that likes living with this small nugget of optimism that maybe this cycle worked. It's the part of me that won't let me test early. Won't let me take my temp. Won't let me do anything that could possibly tell me that this cycle didn't work. I wish I was brave enough to POAS, just so I could know. Last summer I saw so many BFNs that I just don't think I could handle this last one. So I'll remain a coward and just wait for AF.

9DPO

Most times I know I'm not normal. But I'm wondering if I really am when it comes to the 2ww. I'm currently 9DPIUI. And 9DPO. I'm not really sure which one I should be following, but for the sake of this post I'm going to go with DPO since that's what I have the most experience with.
Right after ovulation I'm usually in full panic mode. The stress of temping for three days, praying that my temps will go up. Trying to control my sleep conditions so that my temps are more accurate. Wondering if we timed it right. Then the panic on the third day when my temps go down (usually happens, but didn't this cycle). All sorts of fears live in my brain, usually along the I-didn't-actually-ovulate thread.
Once I've confirmed that ovulation has in fact occurred I'm at my happiest. I feel like this is it. This is the cycle that is going to go right. I produced an egg, I ovulated. Yes, I did it with drugs, but maybe someday I'll be able to do it without. We did the deed when we were suppose to. This time it worked! This euphoric feeling usually lasts about 3-4 days.
And then 8DPO rolls around and I start to get nervous. 9DPO is my average LP. I start looking for signs. In everything I do. Brushing my teeth, standing up quickly, random twinges, everything odd is a sign that this cycle didn't work yet again.
But I'm here again. And tomorrow is 10DPO. If I can make it to Friday it will be a record. Heck, if I make it to Saturday, I don't know what I'm going to do. Added to that I'm traveling down to Florida again this weekend. Which adds to the whole "test/don't test" dilemma added in with a "when to test?" Yeah, I don't like the end of the 2ww. Am I alone here?