Without Further Ado

Here are the pictures of Garden View! Yes we're still calling her/him Garden View even though we were in Iraklion, Greece that day.

First the clinical one:

And one where Dr. Grrr was having a bit of fun:
Kevin made J and Dr. Grrr laugh when he said the sac was either a halo or a smoke ring! Oh that Kev!

BTW, Kevin loved the bit about Father's Day. I don't think he had realized GV would be around by then (I hadn't even) but now he's really psyched about it.

♥..♥..♥..♥

There was a heartbeat! I got to see it twice!!
I left work around 3 for my 3:30 appt. Of course I hit traffic. Traffic! Why is there traffic at 3 o'clock!?! So I was actually about 10 minutes late for my appt. Kevin got there, went up to the office and they told him that I wasn't there yet. So he came back down and called me. When I finally got there we switched out so that I could check in while he parked the car. J and J2 were all smiles when I got there. They kept asking me if I was excited and I told them that I would decide after the u/s.
Dr. Grrr came in and first quickly checked that it was in the right spot and that there was a heartbeat. He then turned the screen around so that Kevin and I could see it. GV measured at 7 weeks exactly which means that I most likely ovulated on our anniversary(CD16)!! Our due date is now June 15th. Dr. Grrr did some other stuff (we got 3 pictures) and I asked him if he was sure there was a heartbeat. So he showed it to us again. After that he asked us if we were going back to Dr. P. I said yes (because as of right now that's the plan), but I might look into midwives. I'm not sure though.
So now the big dilemma is how to tell our parents. Originally we were going to video chat with my parents and mail the picture to Kevin's parents and tell them over the phone. However we just found out that myDad now has Thanksgiving off so they're thinking of coming up to visit (yes, while Kev's parents are here). So Kevin thinks we should wait till Thanksgiving to tell them. I'd be 11 weeks by then. I think it would be really cool to tell them at dinner but I really want to tell them sooner! Like this weekend! Also it would mean hanging around with Mum all week and not saying anything. I can avoid saying something when I'm talking on the phone, but in person, I'm much more of a blabbermouth. So we're trying to figure it out.

Calmness

That's me, Mrs. Calm. Well with some minor moments of anxiety, but I just say a quick "Our Father" and it all goes away. Tuesday was just a particularily rough day for me. Not only was I dealing with all this preggo stuff but I got into three separate "discussions" about plans for soccer. Nothing major, just a difference of opinions that eventually got worked out. I just really don't like confrontation. For years, I coached with three other people so any parent/coach/club issues that came up, I knew I wasn't alone and that they would stand behind me. But since I moved away from them, it's just been me by myself. I know the club is behind me, but sometimes I forget. Anyways, like I said, it got all worked out by EOD Tuesday.

Tuesday night when I went to bed I really dedicated myself to praying. I say little prayers all the time, but this time I really wanted to release everything over to God. So I prayed. I prayed about a lot of things but the thing I stayed away from was praying for this pregnancy. That might sound weird but I reasoned it out in my head that asking for GV not to be a blighted ovum or miscarriage seemed somehow to doubt that God had given me this incredible gift and was moving me along His plan. So I prayed for my family, Kevin's, all of you. And I drifted off to sleep still praying.

Wednesday was the complete opposite to Tuesday. I just felt so much better, not as anxious and able to think about this pregnancy in a positive mood. I felt so much better that when Dr. Grrr called I didn't answer the phone. I was in such a good place that I didn't want to bring up the events/feelings of the day before. But of course I did call him back. He did a great job of reassuring me that I was normal (with normal minimal pg symptoms) and based on what he's seen so far I have nothing to worry about. And in the end he reminded me that nothing we do right now is going to change anything about GV. If somthing is wrong on Tuesday nothing I did, Kevin did or Dr. Grrr did could have changed that. Tuesday we'll know and take the steps necessary at that point. It really did make me feel better. He also reminded me that he was the doctor on call this weekend so if anything changed (spotting, cramping, bleeding) I could call and know that he would be the doctor answering.

Yesterday was also Chicklet's 3 month birthday! Wow! I can't believe she's been around that long. Chicken posted new pictures and she's so precious. myMom thinks she's looking more and more like Chicken.

Today has been relatively calm too. Kevin and I are preparing for this weekend. I have four(!) soccer games, one on Friday & Saturday and two on Sunday. One to watch, two to coach and one to play in. Plus this weekend we are going to Les and Dave's first agility competition. We were going to go to it on Sunday, but then my game (the one I coach) got rescheduled for Sunday so we had to switch to Saturday. This means I'll miss Dave's Jumpers run but I should make it for the Standard one. Gonna be busy this weekend, but I'll be sure to keep you all updated.

Mashup

I broke down today and called Dr. Grrr's office. After explaining the whole vanishing of symptoms to J2 she handed me off to J. I repeated what I said and then J told me that Dr. Grrr is in Atlanta today so that "if" he called, she would tell him what was up, but that she would deffo tell him tomorrow morning when he got in. Why the heck are you going to Atlanta when I'm freaking out here? Anyways nothing can be done till tomorrow it seems.

So I know I said yesterday that last week I decided to give my fear over to God. Yeah, that's a lot harder to do than I thought. It never has been before, but this time around it is. But I'm trying. And I do have some moments of relative peace, but unfortunately they never last. Perhaps missing mass these past two weeks (since I got my BFP) has been part of it.

Earlier today when I was actually doing work at work and not goo.gling "blighted ovum 6 weeks," "6 weeks no symptoms," or "blighted ovum when miscarriage" I had to ask co-worker C about something. Now C is pregnant. Somewhere in her 2nd trimester but we've not actually talked about the fact that she is pregnant. Anyways I walk over to her office and co-worker S is telling her about how his girlfriend is pregnant. Yes, it's unexpected but they're both really excited. Oh and they just found out about it on Saturday. Saturday people! So they think she's about four weeks along and he's telling people already. And you know what the sad part is? That I was jealous. I was jealous that he got to feel this giddy, happy expectant joy this early in the pregnancy. I want that. I want to share that with Kevin. But I know I'll never be that way.

Nausea can be a good thing

Even if it's slight. Because then there is something that means that I could still be pregnant. Late last week I had actually gotten better. On the way home from practice last Wednesday I told myself that my choices were simple. I could live in fear, mistrusting what my body and tests were telling me. Not believing that God would bless us with a pregnancy. Or I could take joy and comfort in what we have been given. Even if only given it for a short time, I could love GV and cherish her/him for as long as God has given her/him to us. So things got better.
And then Sunday all my pregnancy symptoms disappeared. No excessive peeing, no more sore boops, not even the twinges/cramping I'd had up until that point. My mind immediately turned to thoughts of a blighted ovum. Apparently they can cause early pregnancy symptoms and then all your symptoms just "disappear" because there's no embryo to continue them. And then last night I didn't wake up in the middle of the night needing to pee. A first since finding out I was pregnant.
So this morning has been all a panic. I considered calling Dr. Grrr and demanding an u/s or beta test. I was tempted to run by the dollar store or wa.lgreens to get an HPT. I was trying to figure out how to finagle my work schedule when suddenly I realized I was feeling a bit nauseous. Not to the point that I was going to get rid of my breakfast, but enough that my heart stopped racing and I could take a big breath. I've only felt nausea twice before...Thursday morning at work and Friday evening after dinner. I can't wait to ask my mom if she ever had morning sickness.
Kevin has come up with how to tell our parents we're pregnant. They all involve waiting till after next week's u/s. I've also convinced him that he needs to call SIL to give her the good news, not do it in a message, through Mum or an email. I'm also keeping this off faceb.ook, but my reasons are a whole 'nother post entirely.
A - sorry to cause distress with my adding and removing of PG tickers. I just can't find one I like yet and so I keep taking them off. I am still looking though, but I've put one up in the mean time.

Fear & Symptoms

Even if you had tried to warn me that the dread of AF before a BFP turns into FEAR of AF after a BFP I wouldn't have believed you. But it has. I think about it all the time. I question my body, my b/w results, my symptoms.
Oh, new symptom: I'm always cold. All the time, especially at night. Last night I had to pull out the flannel pajamas. This from a girl who normally only sleeps in underwear. Kevin will be sitting watching TV in a t-shirt and shorts and I'll have on a sweatshirt with a blanket. Weird.

I called J2 yesterday to try to get the u/s moved up and the most she would do was Monday. One day!?! Seriously, you're going to make me wait 17 days instead of 18? What help are you?
Today I spoke to Dr. Grrr to find out why I didn't get a second beta. He said that it would have been a waste of money. My beta/p4 results were very good so he doesn't see the need. What about peace of mind?

I've been tracking my weight for a while now and so far here are my results:

3w3d - 0/0
4w3d - +4/+4
5w3d - -1/+3I've read all the studies/reports about how I should only gain 10-15 lbs during this pregnancy because of my existing weight. I've already gained a fifth of that! Sheesh! However I think GV might have the metabolism (I hope!) of Kevin because I'm still hungry all the time! I can't believe how much I've been eating. But I'm trying to be smart about it. No more chips or cokes while at work. Kevin is making us fruit cups with dried apricots, prunes, raisins and craisins to snack on during the day. I'm eating cottage cheese, yogurt and drinking an extra glass of milk to get that extra calcium. I also gave up Feta! Arg! So even with all this extra food I lost a pound. I have been drinking A LOT more water too.

A couple of nights ago I had to get up at 5:00 am to pee. And again when I woke up at 6:30 am. Last night I woke up at 1 am needing to pee. Well I'm not sure if I woke up because I needed to pee or if it was because the blanket weight that is Les had taken most of the blankets from me. Regardless I still needed to pee. Kevin (the lightest sleeper in the world) is loving all these night time interruptions. I haven't had the heart to tell him that it's gonna get worse before it gets better.


Thanks to everyone for the congrats and well wishes. You all are the best!

A Garden View Weekend

Friday

Last night I didn't get a restful sleep. I kept waking up flipping between taking the test and not taking the test. I didn't know if I could stand seeing another BFN. Plus Kevin said that AF always arrived either the day I tested or the day I was going to test. But I needed to know, so eventually I decided to test.

Kevin stayed in bed when I got up. The dollar store test comes with a little dropper instead of being able to hold it midstream. I collected, I dropped 4 drops and then I waited. And waited and waited and then magically that beautiful 2nd line suddenly appeared.
I immediately burst into tears while thanking God. Then I was fraught with indecision about how to tell Kevin. I mean he knew what I was doing in the bathroom so it's not like I could have just pretended that I hadn't. So I took the test and walked calmly to his side of the bed. I turned on the lamp and showed it to him. Right after he looked at it, he looked at me and I practically shouted "It's positive!"

That whole morning we were floating around the house. We talked about babies and plans. I tell Kevin that I think I am 15dpo cause I think I ovulated on CD19. While we were in Egypt. He starts calling the baby GV. For Garden View - the hotel we stayed at in Egypt had two options: Pyramid view or Garden view. We were assigned the Garden View.Which as you can see was actually a view of a concrete slab, some gross "ponds", dirt and then a bustling major road. Anyhoo, it was an awesome morning.

I called Dr. Grrr as soon as I got to work and they eventually called me back around 8:30. Since it was Friday they're only open a half day so J2 wanted me to get my Beta/P4 blood draw as soon as possible and they would mark it STAT so that hopefully they'd get the results before they closed at noon. I went to the nearest lab and waited impatiently. Finally around 9am my name was called. I got to sit in the room for another 10 minutes and finally someone came in. But I had forgotten to bring my insurance card and so they didn't know if they could do anything. There was some consulting and finally they said they'd do it. I confirmed J2 had sent the order STAT and then went back to work. At 11:50 J2 called me to say that they still hadn't gotten my results but that she'd leave a note for Dr. G. Hopefully if he came into the office he would check for it and call me with the results.

I never got a call. I figured no news was good news right? If there had been any red flags, he would have called right away, right!?!

Saturday

The morning started like yesterday morning. Me racing into the bathroom to POAS. I told Kevin I needed to check that I was still pregnant. It came up positive again.Yay! I had a tournament this weekend so I had no time to sit around the house today. I was out of the house by 7:30 am and out pretty much all day.

Today are when fears of miscarriage, chemical pregnancies and ectopic pregnancies first appeared. The cramps/twinges/pressure have continued. I'm waivering back and forth on whether this pregnancy is "real". I thought it would be so easy once I saw that BFP. But it's not. I'm still worried and I'm still cautious. How did it work? We've done expensive injectibles, triggers and IUIs and have failed every time. How did Clomid, no trigger and normal se.x work when it didn't work last year. Was it the self-prescribed Baby Aspirin? Then I freak out about that. Should I have told Dr. Grrr about it?

Sunday

Another soccer game to coach. My team hasn't been doing too well. We've not scored a goal all weekend. We are missing our main offensive playmaker so that's most likely it. Not because I've been distracted by all my pregnancy thoughts.

I took another pregnancy test in the morning. Another BFP!Although I freak out about how it's not getting as dark as fast as it did the previous days. I get home around 11 am and I am starving! I'm starving all the time now. Also I've been peeing up a lake. And the boops have gotten tender. I'm not any sleepier than I usually am during a tournament weekend. I research what I can eat on the internet and settle for cheerios for lunch. Yeah, we're not prepared at all.

After my afternoon nap I have to pee again. When I wipe there's slightly pink EWCM on the TP. I freak. I think my heart stopped in my chest. Of course I wipe furiously a couple (or 10) more times with new TP and nothing else comes up. I start checking every half hour and when I'm doing the weekly grocery shopping it stays in the back of my mind. Kevin is up in DC climbing with friends so it's just me and the dogs at home freaking out. Okay, so just me freaking out.

Monday

Finally Monday! I planned to call Dr. Grrr as soon as the office opened at 8:30 but break down and leave a message at 7:59. J2 calls me at 8:33. All excited and congratulating me. I ask for the results and she says "Didn't Dr. Grrr call you?" I tell her no so she looks up the results. Beta was 768 and P4 20.3. She said those were great numbers, kinda high for 15dpo but good nonetheless. I ask if I should get a second beta done and she says that they usually don't do a second one. I tell her about my continued cramping. Then I tell her about the pink EWCM yesterday and she asks if I've had anything else since then. I tell her no. Dr. Grrr isn't in today but he usually calls after getting the beta results so he'll probably call me tomorrow. If he's concerned he'll ask me to come in then. Grrr. Oh and they don't do an u/s until 18 days past a BFP. What!?! That's not till the 27th! I made the appt, but I'm considering calling and asking for the Thursday/Friday before.

According to the "pregnancy starts with AF" theory I'm currently 5 weeks 1 day. I'm 4 weeks 4 days if I go by my CD19 ovulation theory. However since getting the beta results I'm wondering if I'm farther along than I first thought. Could I have possibly ovulated on CD 15/16? I soooooo hate not knowing. Isn't it funny the things that will bug you? I mean, we're only talking about four days, but it's really bugging me.

If I wait till the 27th I'll be 7 weeks 2 days at the u/s. If I can go the Friday before then I'll be 6 weeks 5 days. Either way, we should have a heartbeat and I hope then that I can breathe a little easier if there is one. Please GV have a heartbeat.

CD33

***I tried to post this last Thursday but for some reason it didn't post. So here it is finally...***

Last Saturday when we were getting ready to leave for the soccer game/trip to Savannah, I wondered if I should pack supplies for AF's visit. On Friday I started getting cramps/twinges/pressure and so thought that she was going to arrive on Saturday or Sunday. I decided to risk it and go unprepared. Well AF never showed, the PMS symptoms continued. So Monday I decided to to take a BBT. 98.65°! The highest bbt I've ever had!! I was so psyched! Then Tuesday I took another bbt and 98.4°. Not as good as Monday, but still a solid post-o temp. Wednesday morning it was 98.2°. Hmmm. So enough to confirm ovulation (based on usual pre and post O temps), but I don't know when I ovulated so I have no idea what day of my LP I'm on. However, I looked back at my past charts and this seems to be the usual post-O pattern before AF starts. The cramps/twinges/pressure have continued so I've started taking supplies with me to work.

Tonight there was a lot of down time at agility so I started thinking... I usually ovulate on CD17-21. Later when I don't have a HCG trigger. So CD22 + 12 day usual LP is CD34. No AF yesterday. No AF today. Tomorrow will be CD34 and it's highly unlikely that I ovulated later than CD24. So I broke down and decided to stop by the dollar store for a few tests. Nothing crazy. Just three to make it through the weekend. Kevin was suspicious when I said I was making a stop before I got home. I told him yesterday about my ovulation confirmation, but I don't think he knew we were near possible POAS.

Approved and Applied

First off, Les is doing well. Still no after effects of her run in with the Jeep. She's been to agility the past two evenings and other than having come back from a month long vacation, she's behaving like normal. Just as moody and anti-social at home like before so we're good.

Next, our homestudy has been APPROVED! We got the packet in the mail while we were on vacation. It took us 3 months for the whole process since it's dated 9/16/09 and we started on 6/17/09. Most of that wait was on the reference letters, but they were all really awesome letters so I guess it's okay that we waited.

During the first weekend in September, we actually had the chance to meet a couple (NewMom & NewDad) that had just brought their adopted son (J) home the month before. Like us, they did their homestudy with JFS. They waited a year and nothing had happened. Then they found out that JFS wasn't looking for them (which we knew from the first homestudy appt.) and so they started sending out their adoption profile to everyone they could think of (which NewDad doesn't recommend doing because now they don't know who has got them or where they are). When that didn't work, NewMom started researching national adoption agencies on the internet. NewMom and NewDad had met online through a matching service and figured if that was how they started their family maybe that would be how they could add to it. They filled out the paperwork, paid all the monies and 4 months later got THE CALL. A birth family in another state was interested in them. After a couple of phone calls the birth parents picked them and two weeks later had J.

We went over to their house to meet them and J. They were so cute! J was a little darling (yes I was offered the chance to hold J and I turned it down) and behaved like an angel, so we got to talk a lot about their adoption and adoption in general. They pretty much had visited the same agencies we had and just felt right with JFS, like us. NewMom got very specific about costs and time lines which was nice. They told us they were just as scared as we are of getting ripped off or taken advantage of, but that they believe God was with them every step of the way taking care of them. It was really great meeting them and I'm currently working on a crocheted puppy for J. I think the most beneficial aspect of our visit was that it's put Kevin at ease with the whole adoption thing. Even though he said before that he was okay with it, he still kept hesitating with every step we took towards adoption and away from TTC. But in talking with NewDad he was able to get all of his questions answered, even those he was afraid to ask.

Now we're moving forward! Kev and I have decided to apply with a national adoption agency in Florida. They were recommended by our SW and I got to talk to them back in the first week of September. We got a package of stuff before we left. We've poured over it and now feel ready to file an application. I filled it out and have sent it to Kevin to double check. Hopefully we'll get it finished this week along with our adoption profile book.

The Family's Back Together

We're all home from our vacation, safe and sound. Although Les seriously tried to make that untrue. But more on that later.

Kev and I have been back for almost a week. I am planning on updating my vacation posts with pictures and more text, hopefully this week. In the 13 days that we were on our vacation, we took 975 photos and 4 hours of video. We didn't take any photos/videos on 2 of those days (2nd day at sea and while we were in Athens). We took only 1 photo on our first day at sea, so taking the remaining days and the number of photos - we took 97.5 photos per day! In Egypt alone we took almost 300 though! So obviously, I'll have a few pictures to post.

Saturday after the girl's game (which we lost 4-1, bummer!) we headed down to Savannah to meet myParents. Oh, and Dave and Les! They got there about 20 minutes before we did. After checking in and as we were driving to the room, we actually saw myDad walking Dave and Les and so we stopped and just watched. Then we went into our room (we were right next door) and I called myDad and told him we were hiding so to bring the dogs over. Kevin hid in the closet and I hid in the shower. They found me first and of course got excited so they they started roughhousing. I kept trying to get them to look for Kevin but they were too distracted. Kevin starting inching his way out of the closet and finally Les saw him when he was already half out! I felt bad for Kev but I'm sure he understood. After catching up for a bit, we drove around Savannah determined to find a dog-friendly place to eat, but with traffic/parking/the crowd, we gave up and picked up pizza and ate it back in the room.

The next morning Kevin was downstairs loading the car when I suddenly need to ask him something so I opened the door. As I was walking out, myDad asked me a question and I turned around and came back into the room. I thought I had closed the door and as I was walking over to myDad, myMom shouted and I turned around to see Les sliding out the gap. I "walked" after her down the corridor as I didn't want to run, thus turning it into a game. I tried calling her name, saying "Come!" and "Touch!" but she just kept going. At the end of the corridor she could have turned right and circled around the second floor or turned left and gone down the stairs. She turned left. I panicked at this point because we were right next to a divided semi-major road and she was headed straight for it. So I started to run. And she did. Right across the street and onto the path of an oncoming Jeep. All I could do was just stand there and watch. She made it most of the way and at the very last second got hit by the car. She cried out, but didn't fall, just sort of spun. I crossed the street, but she ran away again and into the parking lot of the building next door to the hotel. Then she just stopped and I was able to catch up to her. I checked her out and felt all over but she didn't cry out. Kevin caught up to us by this point and carried her back to the room. myDad checked her again but nothing seemed to be wrong.

We spent the morning/afternoon walking along the riverfront and around Savannah and she never slowed down or limped. I figured if she was injured, after the initial adrenaline wore off she would start to feel the pain, but so far nothing. We're keeping watch for signs of internal bleeding (watching the color of the gums and eyelids) but hopefully she'll be okay.

We got home around 10:30 last night and after unloading went about like normal. So did the dogs! It was like they never left!