Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Mashup

I broke down today and called Dr. Grrr's office. After explaining the whole vanishing of symptoms to J2 she handed me off to J. I repeated what I said and then J told me that Dr. Grrr is in Atlanta today so that "if" he called, she would tell him what was up, but that she would deffo tell him tomorrow morning when he got in. Why the heck are you going to Atlanta when I'm freaking out here? Anyways nothing can be done till tomorrow it seems.

So I know I said yesterday that last week I decided to give my fear over to God. Yeah, that's a lot harder to do than I thought. It never has been before, but this time around it is. But I'm trying. And I do have some moments of relative peace, but unfortunately they never last. Perhaps missing mass these past two weeks (since I got my BFP) has been part of it.
Earlier today when I was actually doing work at work and not goo.gling "blighted ovum 6 weeks," "6 weeks no symptoms," or "blighted ovum when miscarriage" I had to ask co-worker C about something. Now C is pregnant. Somewhere in her 2nd trimester but we've not actually talked about the fact that she is pregnant. Anyways I walk over to her office and co-worker S is telling her about how his girlfriend is pregnant. Yes, it's unexpected but they're both really excited. Oh and they just found out about it on Saturday. Saturday people! So they think she's about four weeks along and he's telling people already. And you know what the sad part is? That I was jealous. I was jealous that he got to feel this giddy, happy expectant joy this early in the pregnancy. I want that. I want to share that with Kevin. But I know I'll never be that way.

5 comments:

Amanda said...

I understand the fear... their is so much at stake after that BFP. The symptoms do come and go and maybe you just won't have a lot anyhow. There is just so much changing right now that listening to your body isn't reassuring. Hopefully you will find something to give you peace soon.

~Jess said...

Fear is always there...I think it's just a matter of trusting in God to deal with it: It's not easy.

I'm still afraid: 39 weeks and I still check the TP, I still pull out my doppler to listen to her heartbeat.

You're in my prayers :-)

Kate said...

Thinking about you. I hope you hear from the doctor early tomorrow, so you aren't waiting all day. You are in my prayers.

Hillary said...

(((hugs))) Thinking of you sweetie.

A said...

Well I am giddy for you! If you had one of those hit counters, you'd see that I pulled up your blog like 30 times yesterday to see if you had an update for us and/or if you changed your ticker!!! I am so excited for you!!!

"When" it's me who's 6w2d, it'll probably be a different story. I give you permission to be giddy for me at that point ;-)