CD1 - take two

So I'm not sure if I should still consider this Cycle #9 since AF is visiting again. Because of the cyst found a few Mondays ago (the 8th, CD2) I've been taking BCPs since that Wednesday (CD4). On the 24th, I went back to Dr. Grrr's office and got the all clear. I started the Lupron that night but didn't stop the BCPs till Saturday(CD21). Today is now CD 1 again. Lupron continues for another 4 days and HMG starts on Wednesday. My next appt is on Monday (the 6th, CD8). We'll then know if this Lupron/HMG trick is going to work.

I'm not really optimistic that these meds or this cycle are going to work. I've trying to stay positive because I firmly believe in mind over matter and I want to give Kevin his fair shot. I asked him what he wanted for his bday (a month from today!) the other day and he said a baby. I was kind of shocked by his answer, but over the past three weeks he's been displaying more and more signs that he wants to keep going, keep TTC. At $600-800 per cycle, I just feel the money would be better spent on the homestudy or an adoption attorney. It would be one thing if Dr. Grrr knew what was wrong with me, but if the best they can do is unexplained, what's the point?

Obsessions and Olympics

So I have a new obsession. Last Sunday when I was at the airport I visited the bookstore. This is one of my all time favorite shopping experiences and most times I can find 2-3 books that I want to read, usually succumbing to purchasing one of them, much to Kevin's ire. Anyways, last Sunday I was at the bookstore and I saw a novel that looked interesting. I took a picture of it since I'm on a new library push and when I got home I ordered it from the library. And then I found out that it's a whole series with 9 books and 5 short stories in anthologies. Well of course I want to all the read the books in order. And I don't even know if I like the books yet! Anyways, while I doing my "research" on the series, I found out it's become an cable series as well. So I check our onDemand and sure enough the whole first series was available because the second season premiere was Sunday. So I watched all twelve episodes between Friday and Sunday. This with being out of the house most of the day on Saturday. It's bad.
Saturday we spent all day at the Special Olympics. It was the state-wide competition. Kevin's company volunteers every year. It's a lot of fun and a lot of his everyday coworkers are there because the guy that organizes it is one of the IT guys. Last year when we showed up for our afternoon shift, we got to watch a few races but then the weather got so hot (over 110° F) that the medical staff couldn't keep up with all the people coming in. So they canceled the afternoon. This year Kevin signed us up for the all day shift that meant we had to be there by 6:30 am! (Grrr!) But once we got there it was awesome. We helped out with the track and field registration. Kevin and I were "runners", shuttling the actual runners between the registration desk and their waiting area. The last events were relay races and we got to go on the field and observe the baton exchanges. Some of these kids are fast! Some of the parents & coaches were saying that this year was one of the smoothest races they've ever been too. Races ran on time and we were actually done by 2pm! Usually the event organizers tell parents to be prepared to be around till 5:30pm.
Once, while I was walking back to the registration desk after having taken a runner to their tent, I saw Kevin walking with a little girl, no more than 7 or 8. As they passed me I turned to look at them. She was small, with curly hair in a ponytail and holding onto Kevin's hand tightly. It made me a little sad to see that, wondering how long it would be till it was our own child holding on to Kevin's hand. I smiled and as I turned back, one of Kevin's co-workers who was watching them told me "I'm not sure who's leading who, but my money is on her."
Tomorrow we have our initial meeting with JFS. We haven't committed yet to doing the home study, but they've sent us the application/packet just in case. We're going to bring it with us and have everything just in case we decide to go for it. The SW said they could count our meeting as the first interview of the home study if we decide to do it.

the talk

So I managed to get Kevin at a good time and I asked him what he thought our next step should be. Of course he tried to defer to me and my feelings and wishes, but I stood my ground. I told him that irregardless of me, in his heart, what did he want to do. After a while he finally admitted to me that he wants to keep trying as long as we have options. Dr. Grrr seems to think we'll be more successful if we can produce more follicles(2-3) each cycle. If it works, Kevin wants to try it out for a few months. So I called Dr. Grrr and told him to call in the order for the BCP, Lupron & HMG. We are in for another round.
On Tuesday I got a call from my Tia D in San Diego. I get occasional texts/emails from her about myGramma, cousins or uncle, but she doesn't usually call. So when I answered, she told me that she had just sent me an important email. I check my email and she had forwarded me an email from a coworker of hers about an adoption attorney in PA that she used to adopt two babies (single adoptions about a year apart). The last adoption took place in February and they had just hired him in October. Four months! Wow! So I gave him a call and we talked for a while about what services he offers, agency vs. private adoption, costs and procedures. He sound very positive and relayed the fact that he and his wife had adopted both his sons. He emailed me a few documents including a legal agreement. I then called my Tia's coworker but had to leave a voicemail. She hasn't called me back yet, so I'll try again tonight.
I had to bring it up with Kevin because with him wanting to do another round, I didn't know what this did to the adoption plans. But when I brought it up, Kevin agreed that we could start the home study at least (it's valid in VA for 3 years) and then once we know what this cycle is going to do, become more aggressive in pursuing adoption. I told him that I wanted to adopt even if we could have kids on our own, so that we don't have to stop TTC if we did adopt. He was reluctant but agreed that it might be the way we have to build our family.
So today is day two of our break. My next appt with Dr. Grrr is on the 24th. What the heck am I going to write about until then?

Body Says: It's Time for a Break!

It seems that AF found me after all. Sunday morning there she was, ready to greet me as I greeted the new day. It's official now, I had an 14 day LP. Go me. I was actually alright with it and went about the morning activities like normal. Then at breakfast myMom asked me about it. Last year when I started going to the doc more often, I told her about my having PCOS and that if I wanted to get pregnant that we would have to get it under control. We talked about it a bit and since then she's asked a few times if the medicine was working yet. Well Sunday morning when she asked me, I just burst into tears and told them everything, the medication, injections, and results. The fact that we were now pursuing adoption. They were upset, but I'm sure more concerned about me. I didn't really mean to tell them like that or right then, but when they asked it just all sort of came out. As I was leaving for the airport, myMom gave me a nice long bear hug and myDad reminded me that none of this is my fault and that I shouldn't blame myself.
Yesterday I had an appt with Dr. Grrr. Even though I was done, I wanted to go in and see about medications (BCP/Provera) I should take just to keep me regular. He wanted to do an u/s though and when we did, we found a 15mm cyst on the left ovary. So even if I wanted to keep going, I have to take a break. After the u/s we had a meeting in his office. He told me that he has no idea what's up with me. He doesn't think I have PCOS. He thinks the GYN just told me that because I'm overweight and I have irregular periods. But from what he's seen, he's pretty sure I don't. He said that for a 31 year old, taking as much of the HMG that I'm taking for as long as I take it, I should be producing lots and lots of follicles. In normal patients when this happens it's usually some form of poor ovarian reserve, premature ovarian failure or early onset menopause. However my FSH levels are normal, not even slightly disturbing. Right before ovulation, my E2 levels are within normal range as well. So he's stumped. He now wants to give me Lupron. Lupron - as in what they give to IVF candidates. Lupron combined with HMG or FSH. He said I had time to decide (because of the cyst).
When I got home, I told Kevin what happened and what Dr. Grrr said. I mentioned that we would have to take a break no matter what. And then he looked slightly crest fallen. Which surprises me as I thought he was onboard with the adoption track. Guess I'm going to have a talk with him. Which is annoying only because Kevin's stock answer to any life questions like this usually is "whatever you want" (or some variation). It's like pulling teeth to get him to admit what he actually wants.

I did it

Tidbits before I leave:

• I made it to 13DPO. Two weeks ago I was skeptical that this was going to happen. But I made it. This has be the longest, most normal LP I've had. I know with all the other stuff I've been writing about, it may seem that I'm not excited about this LP, but I am! This is another step in the right direction.
• I went ahead and POAS'd today. It was a BFN. I thought about it a lot yesterday and decided I wanted to do it. Regardless of the results, I wanted to be able to find out with Kevin around and I wanted to find out before my trip. I feel more at peace now that I know. It just felt like this great weight lifted off of me. After we knew the results, Kevin decided that I tested too early and that I should have waited till Monday like he said. What the heck! He never said that! Anyways, today involves fewer trips to check if AF has arrived or not, which is a relief.
• I have this program on my iphone that allows you to have multiple tickers up and counting. Here's what my screen looks like:
  
  I'm constantly checking in only to see that lovely 13. Yes, if you could scroll down you'd see all sorts of countdowns and countups. I'm obsessed.
• Usually as soon as I find out about a pregnancy, I immediately post congrats on my blog because that's one more point for us vs. Infertility. However two pregnancies happened recently that I chose not to mention because both ladies involved were themselves hesitant about celebrating these pregnancies. So I waited. But now they both seem convinced (kinda) so to Amanda at TTC: Impatient with PCOS and Mary at A Hopeful Unicorn a big congrats from me!
• I got offered a soccer coaching gig at a big club in RVA. This club is the rival to the club I coached at for the first two years I lived here, but I'm not that worried. I'll write a post about how this came about soon but for now, yay me!
• And last but not least. Thank you all! You've been a great and loving community during this time for me. Reading your comments has been awesome and really helped. Sometimes something would happen that would make me doubt myself/this cycle/TTC and then I'd get the perfect comment that would bolster me through. Thanks!

Going for a record!

Last night when I got home I was in a weird mood. All day I had been having twinges and even though I'd been to the bathroom numerous times, there was still nothing. Kevin and I talked a bit and one of my last statements was "We should go out for dinner." He vetoed that idea, so we went downstairs and started cooking Rach-aroni-Paella (minus the shrimp cause Kevin doesn't like them). We had just started simmering the rice when all of a sudden the power went out. It flickered back on for a few seconds and then went out again. This was about 7. Outside it had been lightning and thundering, but now the wind was howling and raining and there was even hail! We waited for the power to come back on and nothing. Finally around 8 we gave up and ordered pizza. Thirty-five minutes later we had our pizza. Right as we were sitting down to eat, the power came back on. We just smiled at each other and dug in.

So it seems that I've made it to 12DPO. I'm a little nervous and a little excited. Yesterday's bad habit of going to the bathroom every hour to check has continued. So far so good. I want to be optimistic, but not over do it. Almost like if I wish too much for it, there's no way it will actually happen. Twinges continue today. Kevin talked about testing tomorrow, but I don't know. We have one test left that I could use, so we could. It's just whether I can put myself through that.

LP craziness

Two days past my average LP. I'm happy about that, but I'm still in a funk. Not helping is that the A/C at work is on the fritz. Usually our office is cold - like wearing pants and having a sweater/sweatshirt on hand even during the summer type of cold. The past two days it's been okay, not cold, but not hot either and today it has been warm! Not as warm as outside but hot enough. I don't like the heat. I know, having grown up in the deserts of west Texas and then in the tropic of Florida for 15 years, you think I would be better acclimated for dealing with the heat. And I am. When I'm in those places. But here in RVA, I like the cool-partly-cloudy-low-80s weather. So when I don't get that, I'm not a happy camper.
Yesterday I had a dentist appt. First one in 6 years! The last job I had with insurance ended in 2003, so right before my insurance ran out I went to the dentist. Well then I was self-employed and so didn't have insurance. Thank God nothing catastrophic happened during that time and I remained healthy. In 2007 I finally got insurance again, but since it had been so long, I kept putting off going back to the dentist. And finally earlier this year I forced myself to call a dentist near work for an appointment. It took 3 months to get in, but now it's over and done with and besides replacing a few fillings, I'm free till December. At the end of the appt when I was making the next appts, I thought to myself "By the time I come back for these, I'll know if I'm pregnant or not." Then I made myself stop. I can't let myself start doing things like that.
I'm getting super excited for my trip this weekend. I'm going to get to spend the whole weekend with Chicken and myParents! I fly down Friday night and Chicken is picking me up from the airport. Then Saturday is mani/pedi, shopping & a graduation party. Sunday I fly back to RVA. It's a flying visit for sure, but I'm glad I'm able to go.
This morning on the drive to work I started having these twinges. Not that bad, just sharp pains on the right side. I ovulated on the left side, so I'm not sure what it is. However, I usually only get these pains right around ovulation/right before AF arrives. Other symptoms include tender boops. This threw me off last time as I thought for sure it was a good sign. I had them until about 2 days into the new cycle. Then it stopped for 2 weeks. And reappeared around 1DPO. So I'm not so sure anymore.
Here is my thought: I'm not pregnant. Along with the twinges have been other signs that AF is going to arrive at the end of this week. If this is true, I'd rather she show up tomorrow. Cupcake (my co-worker) is taking me to work on Friday so Kevin and I are going to be rushing around at the last minute and I won't have time for a breakdown. Yes I know, I've said we're moving on to adoption, but still, this will be it for TTC. I'll be sad. And I don't want it to be while I'm down in Florida because I don't want to have to make that phone call to Kevin. And if I last till Monday, I'll be so upset, because that would have been 16DPO. So I'll make you a deal God, Thursday or preggo, okay? Ha!
Part of me wishes that this week would just be over. I want to know how it turns out. But then there's a larger part of me that likes living with this small nugget of optimism that maybe this cycle worked. It's the part of me that won't let me test early. Won't let me take my temp. Won't let me do anything that could possibly tell me that this cycle didn't work. I wish I was brave enough to POAS, just so I could know. Last summer I saw so many BFNs that I just don't think I could handle this last one. So I'll remain a coward and just wait for AF.

9DPO

Most times I know I'm not normal. But I'm wondering if I really am when it comes to the 2ww. I'm currently 9DPIUI. And 9DPO. I'm not really sure which one I should be following, but for the sake of this post I'm going to go with DPO since that's what I have the most experience with.
Right after ovulation I'm usually in full panic mode. The stress of temping for three days, praying that my temps will go up. Trying to control my sleep conditions so that my temps are more accurate. Wondering if we timed it right. Then the panic on the third day when my temps go down (usually happens, but didn't this cycle). All sorts of fears live in my brain, usually along the I-didn't-actually-ovulate thread.
Once I've confirmed that ovulation has in fact occurred I'm at my happiest. I feel like this is it. This is the cycle that is going to go right. I produced an egg, I ovulated. Yes, I did it with drugs, but maybe someday I'll be able to do it without. We did the deed when we were suppose to. This time it worked! This euphoric feeling usually lasts about 3-4 days.
And then 8DPO rolls around and I start to get nervous. 9DPO is my average LP. I start looking for signs. In everything I do. Brushing my teeth, standing up quickly, random twinges, everything odd is a sign that this cycle didn't work yet again.
But I'm here again. And tomorrow is 10DPO. If I can make it to Friday it will be a record. Heck, if I make it to Saturday, I don't know what I'm going to do. Added to that I'm traveling down to Florida again this weekend. Which adds to the whole "test/don't test" dilemma added in with a "when to test?" Yeah, I don't like the end of the 2ww. Am I alone here?