Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Early Week Update

Monday I went back into Dr. G's office. I was kind of apprehensive about going in because all weekend I'd been having ovary pains. But on the right side where the wimpy follicle was not on the left side where the two super follicles were. At the u/s we looked at the left side first and Dr. G was not impressed. The follicles had barely grown and in fact more follicles were getting bigger but the two big ones from Friday had pretty much stayed the same size. Then he looked on the right side and that 7mm follicle had jumped to be 12mm! Great growth, but still on the small side considering I was on CD14. Course of action: up my daily injection from 150iu to 225iu and come back on Wednesday for another u/s. Dude! I have a job! I can't keep taking time off to come in for an u/s! But whatever, of course I'm going in today.
So baby news: Last wednesday #25 had their baby. A little boy. They came home on Saturday and put a big stork in their yard. I've already talked to them and mentioned I would like to cook them a meal so I'm waiting for them to tell me when is a good night. Tuesday my co-worker's wife was induced. They're having a little girl. I haven't heard the details yet, but I'm sure pictures of her/them will be posted on the board in the break room (this is what happened last year when two other co-worker's wives had their kiddos).
This spring, the BSC I go to has been working through Beth Moore's Breaking Free: Making Liberty in Christ a Reality in Life. I've been having issues with this study for various reasons but this past week was Week 6 which I had a problem with nearly every day. First off, in the second day in she makes a sweeping declaration that "practically every little girl has at least four dreams: 1) to be a bride, 2) to be beautiful, 3) to be fruitful (which we usually define as having children), and 4) to live happily ever after." As someone who didn't grow up wanting to be a bride or have my own kids, it really rubbed me the wrong way. And yes, I know she said "practically" but it didn't read that way when I first came across it. I know I've changed my mind and I did do the first and am trying to do the third, but it just bothered me. Anyways, I was really interested in what the day that covered topic three was going to be like and it was a mixed bag. There were some great parts, "Infertility offers fertile soil for shame." and accordingly "Remember, shame is Sa.tan's game." Which confirmed decisions I had made for myself about dealing with this whole struggle. But the rest of the daily just seemed dismissive, that while we might not be able to have physical children, we'll be blessed with spiritual children (based on Isaiah 54:1-3). Children who are not our own but who we've been able to help guide and shape spiritually. I've coached, I've taught, mentored and just befriended lot of kids who still keep in touch now that they've become teenagers and young adults. And you know what? It's not the same. Maybe it's just little of me and maybe I'm not opening myself up to what God might have intended for me but I in no way believe that I'm going to be fine with that if Kevin and I go through life being a family of two.


Becky said...

I was just talking about this with my mom last weekend! Growing up i always knew i wanted to get marry and live in a big house with a white picket fence. Reality is i live in a small house, no fence. I never mentioned i wanted kids and really up until i met my husband 5 years ago i really didn't think about it. In my previous relationships those men would not of made great fathers at all!

I so hope your wish of a family comes true, everyone deserves to have kids, if they want to. I also have been saying latey it's not fair the drug addicts and prostitutes get pregnant and some wonderful woman can't, due to no fault of their own, it's just not right!
Hang in there, be strong!

Andrea said...

I am with you. I never wanted to get married and have kids when I was younger. It wasn't until I was in a relationship with my husband that my dreams changed.

And I completely agree with your thoughts on the study for this week. That does seem very dismissive. Like people who simply say, "it's God's will." It may be true, but that doesn't make it any easier and it's actually best not to even hear that when you're struggling with something like IF or m/c.

I'm praying that you will have a physical child either through pregnancy or adoption!!! You are going to be an amazing mother, I think it's going to happen for you. :-)

Anonymous said...

Wow. I did the Breaking Free mini-study before I knew I was infertile, so I don't remember if the mini-study had that part in it (it was something you just did once a week in a group, no daily lessons) but that would have really rubbed me the wrong way, too. Beth Moore is brilliant but definitely not infallible (and her poetry is sucko). :) There are a couple of lessons in her study "A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place" that touched on infertility in a very renewing, uplifting way. The study is about the old testament tabernacle. You might want to look into that one if you have a chance. Good for you for doing a BM study...she's quite the taskmaster! Good luck with those follies, we are all rooting for you!