Wednesday, January 7, 2009

IF Murphy's Law?

I'm sure there's a Murphy's law something or other out there that states that the minute you decide you want kids and then realize that it's going to be a struggle, EVERYONE around you is going to start having kids. Or at least you notice it more. And yes the same is true for me, however I think I'm unique in that I don't get angry or jealous at these people who can have children. It doesn't make me sad when I hear about yet another friend that is pregnant. And believe me there are lots right now. Two different sets of Kevin's friends who got married after we did are having kids in the next couple of months. Two co-workers just had a kid each this summer. One of my good friends here in RVA just had a kid this summer. My old boss is currently pregnant and another co-worker just announced that his wife is pregnant. It's all around me! But honestly I'm okay with it. It's not their fault that I've got problems so why should I get upset about their pregnancy? I don't want their kid, I want my own. I'm sure they're going to make great parents (or are being great parents) and I'm excited and happy for them. Really.

Last night I got a call from Chicken. When she was here in November, I kind of broke down and told her all the problems we've been having trying to get me to ovulate. She was great at listening (she always is) and since then she's asked about it a couple of times. For the past week or so since we got back she's been leaving me voicemails and emails trying to get a hold of me. I did talk to her last week but only for a few minutes before I had to go do something else. Yesterday on the drive home, she called. After a lot of talking (she's fascinated by the whole SIL/Kevin dynamics) about my trip, she tells me that she's pregnant. Eleven weeks pregnant, so yes she was pregnant when she came to visit us back in November. This is an unplanned pregnancy, but it is not unwanted.

The thing was, for her, she wasn't looking forward to telling me about the baby because of my situation. This is one of the reasons why I try not to share my IF struggles with anyone I know IRL. I don't want her (or anyone) to not want to tell me because she thinks I'll be sad, hurt, upset or mad. What if she's really excited about this but doesn't want to *seem* too excited because of my IF. Or what if she's not excited, but thinks she has to be excited around me because I'll be upset if she's not excited enough. Really, I want her to share any feelings/doubts/happiness she's feeling because regardless of what I'm going through, this is something she's going through and I want to be here for her. I don't want anyone to have to be guarded or walking on eggshells when they're around me. If anything behavior like that upsets me more rather than someone saying something because they don't know.

I try not to fantasize about the future too much because usually I find they don't come true, but of course with this latest development I find that more than ever, I want a baby. NOW. It's all I can do to keep myself from imagining little scenarios in my head.

On the cycle front, I'm currently CD15. My temps are all over the place. I've still not shaken this sore throat that I came home with and I'm afraid to take anything more than Mucinex and Acetaminophen. I just got the call that my HCG trigger shot is ready to be picked up. And Dr. T's office called me to reschedule my appointment for Friday morning. Darn! I was looking forward to starting the weekend early.


Andrea said...

That's great that your friend is pregnant! It was so considerate of her to think about how you'd feel too. I know how you feel though, I'd feel the same way. I do get jealous of people sometimes, but I'm never upset when I hear about a friend getting pregnant, I'm just happy for them!

I have you on my BFP prayer list! I hope you will be joining me and Chicken soon :-)

Amanda said...

You are a better person than I. I'm happy for all the pregnant people in my life, but just so freakin sad cause I don't think I'll ever get to be one of them.

If you can't tell your IF struggles to your BFF then who can you tell them too? (Anonymous people of the internets of course!)

It was nice of her not to drop that news on you when you were telling her all your if struggles (although she may not have even known yet). I hope she knows it's alright to be happy and excited about this. You will work through this uncomfortableness.

Love this! the word verification is "mantan"

Amanda said...

Oh, and good luck, hope the big O is in your near future!