Monday, December 15, 2008

A familiar face

This morning at 10:30 my blogging world was turned upside down. I received a comment from a new reader named Beth. Now for most of us having a new reader is a good thing. However I freaked out a bit because I know Beth IRL. She is a soccer mom of a girl I coached 8 years ago.

One of the best things about the built-in blog roll is that not only can you list the blogs you are reading, but you can choose to list their latest post title. This is a great way for me to quickly check on everyone's blog as well provide quick links to their blog. I probably use my own blog roll way more than anyone else who regularly visits my blog does. Three of the blogs listed are written by people I knew IRL before I found their blog. When first setting up the blog roll I chose to list their blog even though I knew there was a small possibility that they could find me. But I tried to minimize that risk by making sure I never clicked on that link. I always directly typed in their website address or I access it through a bookmark. I work with website statistics and website optimization all day long so I thought I had it covered. But I never considered that someone might click to their blog through my blogroll. I'm pretty sure that's how Beth found me.

So her comment touched home for me for several reasons.

"I had no idea what you were going through..."
This is true, almost no one knows what Kevin and I are going through. My family knows that I have PCOS and that I'm taking medicine to try to "regulate" my cycles. I think they kind of know that we're trying to fix it because we want kids, but they've all been really good at not asking too many questions. I've forbidden Kevin from telling his family because I feel like it's just one more thing that they could mark in the con column of having me for a daughter-in-law. Most likely if they never get a biological grandchild from Kevin it will be my fault. I just can't stand for them to know. Yet. I know one day I'll have to tell them, I just can't yet. I've told my cousin Mayo, an old friend from grade school and Chicken to varying degrees about what's going on in that front, but I don't keep them up to date with the latest. Again, they don't ask and I don't tell.
"or that you even wanted kids."
This assumption is true for most people who know me. Why? Well because for most of my adult life, I didn't want to have kids. When asked about kids my answers were always "Heck no!" or "Only if I can give them back!" It seems a weird stance for someone who works with kids as much as I do, but then again, I don't think anyone who knows me would call me maternal. People always tell you that once you have kids, it will kick in, but really until a couple of years ago, I'd never really seriously considered actually having kids. Even now when I think about adopting, I keep looking at toddlers (1-3 years old) instead of newborns. I'm scared of not being able to have kids, but I'm also scared to have them.
"You'll be a great mom. I will keep you & Kevin in my prayers."
Soccer parents at best are a group of people who are cheerleaders not only for their daughters, but the team and the coaches as well. They can be the ultimate support system whenever needed. Beth is definitely one of the best examples of this. Just read her blog to see how much she and her husband have changed their lives to share their daughters' passion. All three of her kids are great kids and she is definitely an example of how to do it right.

"Can I link to you on my Blogroll or are you trying to keep this on the DL?"
I've been struggling with this question all day long. I'm not really sure who reads Beth's blog other than Joanne (another former soccer mom), Beth's husband and Beth's kids. So do I want to open this up to them? As a coach, I've taken my responsibilities as a role model seriously. I changed the way I talked (cursing less) and thought of the 10-18 girls under my charge when making decisions. I've always tried to be someone they could look up to and trust and respect. Is this suppose to be one more way that I'm suppose to help? For the past 8 years that I coached, there are around 4-6 girls from each team that I coached that I still keep in touch with. So around 25-30 girls all in high school or college now. There's every likelyhood that one of those girls is going to have a problem with PCOS or with some type of infertility. Even though I feel a strong calling to adopt, maybe I was suppose to go through this for them. On the other hand, do I want to go public with this information yet? I'm still struggling with the label of infertility and all that goes with it. Am I ready for this? But then again, why did I list their blogs at all unless I really did want to be found out. I always knew it was a possibility.

So you might be asking me if I am upset that my blog was found out. Truthfully, no. And I mean that. Having one more person in my corner and offering positive thoughts and prayers will help. I might have to make some changes. Like on my FF chart, I removed the BD'ing section, cause it's weird for me to have that kind of information available to people who actually know me and Kevin. But for the most part, I'm okay with knowing that Beth reads my blog. Even more than okay.

As for the linking, I don't think I'm ready for that. Maybe after February, when I've seen the new RE, Kevin and I have made a choice about adoption or we have a new plan for battling this darn infertility I'll be more open to it. But for now I'd like to keep this to myself for a little while longer.

So welcome Beth. Welcome to my world :).

P.S. Man! Can I over analyze a situation or what? Maybe I am turning more into Wiki than I thought!


Hillary said...

That would be so strange to have somebody IRL find my blog! It sounds like a very supportive person, though :)

Kirrily said...

I understand your post in so many ways (especially the in laws bit!).
I was only saying to my infertility support group (an online forum) today that I feel so torn between telling people to promote a better understanding of infertility and to help them learn how to be supportive to people struggling through this. On the other side I've had some of the most insensitive comments from people who DO know (ie IF you ever have kids; why WOULD you want kids?) that I couldn't stand more pain during this journey. Not to mention all the questions (are you pregnant yet?).
All I want is for someone to ask me how I am (not my ovaries); let me know they're thinking/praying for me and that they look forward to more information (hopefully an announcement).
People who know and say nothing are the worst. Like my struggle to have a baby is nothing.
Sorry, got carried away there...

Amanda said...

Great post. If somebody found mine, then I would probably analyze it as much as you did too. I think you made good decision.

Anonymous said...

I have lots of IRL people who read my blog, but there is one group of people I am trying to hide it former students! I just think it would be weird, personally. And I totally get taking the BD off of your chart, that is info we TTCers only share with our most anonymous of online friends :) :) :)

Beth said...

You're secret is safe with me. I won't tell anyone. Since I found it (just the way you suspected) I just just didn't want to be a "lurker" & keep it a secret from you. Honestly, not having gone through fertility issues, I don't understand most of the acronyms you use & I couldn't read an FF chart if my life depended on it.

Best wishes to you & Kevin, KMO. You know we love you & only wish & pray for the best for you. Hoping to read about some good news soon. :)

Beth said...

Oh & btw, you DID sound just like Wiki, I was thinking that just before I read that. :) Thankfully, I love you both!


Andrea said...

I would freak out if someone I knew IRL found my blog! Mainly because I complain about my in-laws and other aspects of my life! lol But I would also feel funny for people to know my real feelings and what's really going on. More people know about my m/c than I'd like, but I can't do anything to change that so I just try to avoid them and hope that they will never bring up fertility.

And I know what you mean about not being maternal. I don't actually enjoy working with or being around other people's kids. But I know I will be a great mom because I used to be my best friend's son's "second mom." I loved every second of it. It's different when they are your own kids. I felt like her son was my own, that was the only reason I was so comfortable in the mom role.

kMo said...

Beth, I'm grateful you chose not to lurk. As soon as I saw I had a visitor from Brandon I would have been wracking my brain trying to figure out if it was you or Joanne. I'm glad it was you.
Honestly, I never meant for this blog to be a secret from the people I know. As sad as this sounds, if not for all of this infertility stuff I'd probably tell more people about it. Also anything I've said/will say on here about anyone/anything, most people who know me know my opinions on them. I'm not what you would call a "quiet/internal" person.